UncleHerpie's Herptacular Herpetorium

Dorsal Slit Murphy

2010-04-28T10:53:00.002-05:00

Dorsal Slit Murphy as Epic Pose Man

...sorry Nick.

Joshin' with Jason

2009-05-26T09:51:00.000-05:00

Pt. 2

2009-04-15T23:55:00.002-05:00

I won’t be getting to my little piece on the Contoller tonight after-all. Quite a bit has been said here, and I think we might need to back off a bit…

…BUT FIRST!:

“Evan, if you think this is what I mean about hardcore, competitive gamers, then you are sadly disconnected from the PC gaming community and have fallen victim to a long dead stereo type.”

That is not what I think of when I refer to “hardcore gamers” although they would certainly fit into that category. As far as my level of disconnection…yes. I am disconnected from those individuals who think that they can’t have a both enjoyable and competitive game experience on anything BUT a PC. We’re quibbling over what is realistically a one-sided argument. How many “Console Gamers” do you know? I don’t think I know any…and I play a hell of a lot of console games. You never hear of someone say something to the effect of, “I’d never touch a PC for gaming, that’s just crazy-talk. How could you possibly have any fun sitting at a computer for hours on end?” I haven’t. Sure, there are people that don’t game on their PCs, but that’s not because they are anti-PC gamers.

“This is what happens when you try to have a discussion with Console gamers, they immediately feel attacked as if somebody somewhere said that Consoles suck and you are a lesser person for preferring them over PC gaming ..

Some of these retorts, while possibly valid for some other discussion, aren’t even close to the initial discussion presented …Most likely because there are no REAL valid arguments to shut down the points of our fearless author (IE.Bob), since most are simply mathematically factual, so some backdoor tactic of arbitrary irrelevant arguments are thrown forth.

So to those people, I leave you with this ..”

What is what happens? You get a counterpoint to nearly every aspect of your posts? What’s the point of asking the question or voicing your opinion if your too “set in your ways” to ever hear the other side of the argument? If someone is going to take the time to write a well-worded and informed article on the world of PC and Console FPS, should one NOT respond in kind with counter-points to the majority of the article. I don’t think any of my arguments were off-base, and they certainly weren’t arbitrary, irrelevant or back-door. You need to consult dictionary.com and find some different adjectives. If you’d like, I can fire up my PS3 and send you a nice screen-shot of the site in 50” of glorious HD, right from the comfort of my couch, or chair, or carpet, or even toilet if I so choose.

If you are under the impression that I feel attacked in any way, then you are under the wrong impression. This article wasn’t written to attack anyone. It’s an opinion piece…and a valid one at that. Your kind words however, are spoken like a true PC Elitist. There’s plenty of “attack” in your little jab at us foolish console morons. I know what you are going to say… “I play consoles all the time!” A) Sure you do, sure you do. B) I guess that makes you the resident expert then doesn’t it. I’m very sorry that I like to AIM my reticle and pull a trigger when I want to simulate shooting someone. Throwing out funny Billy Madison quotes isn’t going to prove whatever point your little diatribe was trying to get across. If you truly feel dumber after having read what I’ve written, it’s probably because the bulk of it went over your head. Believe me, I can throw out movie quotes with the best of ‘em, but frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. Oop, there I went and did it! Back to my point on the article being an opinion piece, that is where the discussion should end. I’ll get to it as soon as you inevitably (I like that word) read the next paragraph(insert punctuation here)

Furthermore, I don’t see how myself or especially Nick could ever, EVER be labeled as “Console Gamers”. That’s nonsense. How about the simple title “GAMER”, because that’s what we are… Gamers. Tried and true. I have played just as many games on the PC as I have on consoles in my life. Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to have consoles as a child. My entire gaming experience growing up was on a 286 with a monochrome sepia colored monitor that was originally intended for night-time CCTV surveillance. It was a huge deal when I got my first CGA color monitor. Where in the World is Carmen San Diego never looked so good! We’re coming to the crux of what this is all really about. Because I don’t LIMIT myself to playing exclusively on a PC for FPS(only one very specific genre mind you), I’m what’s known in PC circles as the dreaded “Console Gamer?” That doesn’t make sense. That’s like your mildly racist Great Aunt telling you that you shouldn’t have a black friend because “he’s one of ‘those’ boys.” Don’t think that I don’t understand what you’re getting at. I understand the culture of clan based gaming. I understand the culture of owning/operating private servers. I get it, I really do. I’m all for it actually, it’s good fun had by all.

“To experience the full potential of this competitive genre, one needs to play First Person Shooters as they were originally intended, on a PC.”

Nope. To experience the full potential of this competitive genre, you need to play First Person Shooters on ALL available platforms; as they are NOW and have always been intended. Not just so you have a more informed opinion, but because in order to get the “Full Potential” out of anything, you need to experience it…well…

…fully.

-UncleHerpie

Just in case...

2009-04-14T22:53:00.001-05:00

As I’m sure everyone will agree, this DEBATE didn’t start here and it darn sure isn’t going to end here. There are however, many points that can be made on both sides as to the superiority of this or that. What we need to establish is exactly what we’re arguing about.

When you talk about “hardcore” and “competitive” gameplay, are you only referring to these extremist individuals who can be found on any given night, huddling in front of their monitors with bloodshot eyes, cervicalgia, carpal tunnel and more Mountain Dew than even I can realistically drink? If that’s what we’re talking about then we are on two different wavelengths. Let’s be honest. For THESE people, FPS games are just an extension of their RPG mindsets. They look at their “rigs” as gear that they can aquire to enhance their capabilities. Video Cards and RAM have become the “Helms of Imperceptible Detail” and the “Boots of Indomitable Framerate.” This leads me to question where the “competition” actually is. Does having better gear make you a better player? No. No it does not. All is does is give you an edge over another player. The competition becomes more between one person’s dedication and/or finances and another’s.

I consider myself a “competitive gamer”, in that I play to win. I don’t know if I would consider myself “hardcore” per se, but I’m probably borderline. However, if I’m in the right mode, or if I’m fired up about a game…I’ll cross that line in a heartbeat. There’s the other side of me that takes these games for what they are…GAMES. That may seen like a cliché’ and generic argument for the subject at hand, but let me get to my point. Games were intended to be many things, and competition is certainly part of that. It’s not however the most important part. There are SOOOO many factors into what makes a great FPS great. The burden of this responsibility rests on the shoulders of the developers, not on the platform in which the games are played on. That being said, the argument can be made that console FPS’s (of which there ARE fewer quality titles), can be, and in some cases ARE more enjoyable, entertaining, innovative and immersive.

I’m gonna try to confine my points to some basic broad topics and not re-hash much of what has already been said.

ORIGINS

The origins of FPS games is NOT found in PC lore. Not at all. FPS games got their start where nearly ALL games did, right in your good ol’ neighborhood arcades. You can try to argue that the playability of arcade shooters inevitably led to home versions of similar themed games, which in turn found a home on the PC. Let’s look at this though. Consider the interfaces of both the PC and your average home gaming console. Which of these more closely resembles that of the original arcade shooters?

These origins, which were loosely implemented on the NES and Sega Master System had one fundamental flaw…Free Roaming (specifically the lack thereof). Light guns and blasters aside, the object of these games was to place the gamer in the shoes of the character they control on-screen. (i.e. a First Person Shooter) Now, because these games were on a rail-system, that is to say that one couldn’t veer off the set path as dictated by the game “engine” and the storyline; their immersion was limited. There needed to be a fundamental change in the way these games are played. How was this achieved? I think this question will lead us all to the same inevitable conclusion…the PC. Why was this? Well, let’s face it. The Consoles of the day simply could not and should not have tried to do what needed to be done to take the FPS genre to the next level. Along comes DOOM (or Wolfenstein 3D if you really want to be picky). Id software clearly redefined shooters into what we now consider to be the modern FPS. So yes, the modern FPS can trace its roots right back to the 386’s of yesteryear. But just as they made the jump from arcade to PC, it would only be a matter of time before the jump was made to the home console.

We can start name dropping for this game and that, and compile a list that will most likely favor that of the PC. That, in and of itself does not negate any argument that a console gamer may have as to the validity of his/her claim that a FPS can be better on an XBOX or a PSX. All we have is a list of titles on various formats. Unfortunately, it is difficult to find a suitable analogy in another medium. I can’t say that a movie was more enjoyable on Laserdisc than it was on my Betamax, but I can say that I didn’t have to rewind my laserdisc… See, it just doesn’t work. For every DOOM 2, there’s a Redneck Rampage. Conversely, for every GoldenEye, there’s a South Park FPS(the S is for snowball btw).

Let’s talk about GoldenEye for a bit. I know you said that you had played it, and for good reason. It was great. Undeniably great. It has some intangible qualities to it that I can’t even put words to. Licensing aside, why wasn’t Perfect Dark able to live up to it? It improved on GoldenEye in nearly every conceivable way except one: a story that people played INTO, not just a story that people played through. Aside from that, Perfect Dark was a remarkable achievement in the development of console FPS technology. We’re back to where we started. While Perfect Dark was turning heads in one direction, there was Quake to kick everything in the @$$. Another instant classic that was responsible, DIRECTLY responsible for the development of other good PC FPS games. The quake engine was instrumental in the FPS dominance of the 90’s. Why? Why was it able to do this? Technology. Again, the argument of technological limitations lends itself to your perspective. Again, however… I can argue that GIVEN the technical limitations, great console FPS titles can overcome these boundaries and provide us with a more enjoyable and thus greater gaming experience.

MULTIPLAYER

Here’s where we bring out the big guns. The birth of Multiplayer was on the home console. 2 or 4 player split-screen in your friend’s basement till the sun comes up; we all remember it. You didn’t have your friend come over all the time so you could take turns playing Doom. It simply wasn’t possible. This catered itself to being a more social experience, which in-turn had more of an impact on your run-of-the-mill gamers. It wasn’t just nerds playing single player games on their PCs. I mean, jeez…even Atari was multiplayer! I digress…what we’re really talking about here is Online Multiplayer. Once more, we find that the roots of this fundamental quality of modern FPS are found on the PC. We can go over the advent of this, and the implementation of that… but it won’t settle anything on the grand-scale. For all intents and purposes, we can agree that PC and console multiplayer are dissimilar but comparable entities, each with their own pros and cons. XBOX Live has “Matchmaking” which works extremely well, especially considering the sheer numbers of gamers on-line at any given moment. PC games have independent and privately-hosted servers…which is awesome. This however, opens up avenues for further debate. Modded content is a double-edged sword. It can lead the way to great things(Counter Strike) and very, very bad things(cheating, hacking, unfair modding, aim-bots, etc…). This will be much easier to talk about in person. I don’t think I have it in me to type about all this. Come to think of it, I’m already starting to get irritable and uncomfortable from sitting at this sweet Alienware PC for so long… I sure wish I was on my comfortable couch with a controller in my hands…

Tune in tomorrow folks, where if permitted, I will detail the advantages of the console’s “CONTROLLER” over the PC’s emotionally detached, third-person, non-realistic and alarmingly business-like interface. It should be a doozie, and unless you walk around thinking to yourself “W” “A” “S” “D” to get you from one place to another, I think I’ll win you over…

-UncleHerpie

Three of a Kind

2006-12-04T22:56:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Just when it seemed Michael Richards was about to leave the most troubling incident of his career behind, his publicist is having to explain how the comic could consider himself to be Jewish. Todd Geiger of Watertown, MA, is left wondering, "Why would someone WANT to consider themselves Jewish in the first place?" Stating that raising Jewish children, "really sucks."

Last week, crisis-management expert Howard Rubenstein acknowledged that Richards had shouted anti-Semitic remarks in an April standup comedy routine - well before his appearance earlier this month in which he harangued hecklers with the n-word. But he defended Richards' language about Jews, saying that the comic "is Jewish. He's not anti-Semitic at all. He was role-playing." This came as a big disappointment to Geiger(22), after becoming such a fan of the racially charged comedian. "I was really let down by this... I thought that I had finally found a somewhat mainstream comedian with the guts to expose the Jews for what they are. Up until this point I was limited to searching the internet and through mail order outlets to find this type of comedy." Geiger is one of the few actual "subscribers" to the various Nazi Publications often found on front lawns across America. "Yeah, that's where I first became involved. To think that media like that was freely distributed by one of these great Nazi-American publishers."

As Rubenstein's assertion circulated, Jewish organizations and commentators pointed out that the man who played Cosmo Kramer on "Seinfeld" has not converted to Judaism and neither of his parents are Jewish.

Which makes him ...

"Technically, not having been born by blood as Jewish and not formally going into a conversion, it was purely his interpretation of having adopted Judaism as a religion," "I now know, that because of the Liberal Jew-Run Media, that Mr. Richards was clearly trying to salvage his burgeoning career by apologizing for his comments. It's a shame that a stand-up man like Michael Richards has to sully his reputation by sucking up to the Jew sympathizers.", said Geiger after hearing this information.

What do some Jews think? "Who cares?!", shouts Todd from another room.

"You can't feel Jewish. It's not a matter of feeling. You can convert to Judaism. You can't not convert to Judaism and then be Jewish," said Rabbi Marvin Hier, founder and dean of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles.

Hier defined being Jewish from two perspectives, if someone hasn't gone through the process of formal conversion.

"From the Orthodox point of view, if that person has a Jewish mother, he would be considered Jewish," Hier said. "In the Reform tradition, there's also a patrilineage. Under those categories, he would not fit."

Rabbi Mark S. Diamond of the 280-member Board of Rabbis of Southern California agreed.

"There are many people who appreciate Jewish customs, who may embrace aspects of Jewish culture and practice, but that does not make them Jewish," he said.

After his tirade came to light, Richards apologized on David Letterman's "Late Show" on CBS, saying his remarks were sparked by anger at being heckled, not bigotry. He also apologized to the Rev. Al Sharpton, and apologized Sunday on the Rev. Jesse Jackson's syndicated radio program.

Rubenstein said Richards wasn't available for an interview Tuesday.

"He wants to rest," the publicist said. "He's been talking to his psychiatrist."

NEW YORK (AP) -- Though he's lost many fans after being captured on video hurling racist epithets at a comedy club audience, Michael Richards has an ally: Mel Gibson. "I felt like sending Michael Richards a note," Gibson says in an interview in Entertainment Weekly's Dec. 8 issue.

"I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress. You don't need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape. But my heart went out to the guy."

The 50-year-old actor-director added: "They'll probably torture him for a while and then let him go. I like him."

After his Nov. 17 tirade became known, Richards apologized on David Letterman's "Late Show" on CBS, saying his remarks were sparked by anger at being heckled, not bigotry. He also apologized to the Rev. Al Sharpton and on the Rev. Jesse Jackson's syndicated radio program.

Gibson, star of the "Lethal Weapon" movies and director of "The Passion of the Christ," was mired in a scandal of his own this summer for anti-Semitic comments he made to police in Malibu, Calif., during his arrest on suspicion of drunken driving. He publicly apologized.

Are people refusing to work with him?

"No, people aren't like that," Gibson tells the magazine. "Those are just the headlines: Mel ostracized by Hollywood! Hollywood is what you make it. There is no great pooh-bah up there saying, `Go! You are condemned!'"

His new movie, "Apocalypto," from The Walt Disney Co.'s Touchstone Pictures, opens Dec. 8. It is a Mayan-language epic filmed in Mexico chronicling the decline of the native civilization.

He's confident his past remarks will not hurt the movie at the box office.

"It's primarily entertainment," he says of his production. "An 18-year-old college guy, out with his buddies, he's going to get into the chase. The movie will stand on its own, regardless of any unfortunate experience I may have stumbled upon."

"I'm going to see it, so long as those damn Weinstein's aren't involved. I'm glad to see that someone (Mel) has the guts to take on these Jew Bastards by directing and producing his own projects. Screw you Spielberg!", adds Geiger in closing.

MySpace import - Things are afoot...

2006-07-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

So, I had 217 Friend requests in a span of about 2 minutes...I'm gonna go ahead and guess that I'm NOT that popular, and it is one of many myspace spam attacks. That aside, here is what everyone has been waiting for...

(by "everyone" I mean noone")

Work, we all do it...wait...no we don't...I happen to know AT LEAST 2 people who don't work at all. One of which I have used and abused over the last couple weeks. Granted, I have paid for every meal, drink, treat, bag of beef jerky, concert ticket, and movie ticket during this period I have used him nevertheless. I figure, if he has no job, I should make him work right?

Anyway, I'm just gonna create a new paragraph to separate my train of thought from the caboose of a subject that is Todd...I mean...the aformentioned individual. My real topic is WORK. As many of you know...I have been doing a shit-ass-big cockhole-motherload of a hell of a lot of it lately. Many days are topping off between 12-17 hours. Many of you are either actively trying to convince me to drop the lesser of the 2 jobs, or at the very least wondering when I will quit said job. I'm gonna highlight my thoughts on the matter.

Is it alot of work? Yes. Is it taking it's toll on me, both physically and mentally? Yes. Do I enjoy working 2 jobs? No. Will I continue to do so regardless of how I feel about it? Yes. The fact is, I still need the money...and I CAN still gut it out and work both jobs. As crappy and annoying as the PetCo situation has gotten, what with the new management/old crapagement, and the recent hiring of multiple new employees. I'll continue to work there until I either can't physically do it anymore or until it becomes so annoying that it is no longer worth devoting my energy to do so. Let's be honest, that place would be hopeless without someone with shipment night experience and the straight physical abilty to facilitate the necessary tasks AND heavy lifting that those nights entail. Otherwise Robert would have to do the whole thing himself. Nice guy that I am, I don't want to force that situation on anyone. While, it is not as it once was...there is still that small degree of social interaction on those nights. We have it pretty much down to a science, and we can afford to get a tad ridiculous at times. It is rather odd that there is a new face there every week, and yet I've only SEEN the manager like 3 times. I've never spoken to her at legnth, and she works very few hours. There are some newer employees that have been promoted to "team lead" or "lead sales associate" or some crap, and I'm just waiting for the day they tell me to do someting and I refuse. The way I see it, my duties there have dwindled down to simply working the shipments. I don't even wear my petco shirt anymore, because I only work after-hours. R.I.P Satanoperca Acuticeps ("Devil's Perch Cichlid" for you laypeople)

Now, for lighter topics...

Sun. August 13th is Locobazooka. I suggest purchasing tickets for the event. Bands include: Ra, Days of The New, Buckcherry, Wicked Wisdom (Jada Pinkett-Smith's rock band...), and finally ALICE IN CHAINS! They will be accompanied by a plethora of local and unsigned bands. We went last year and it was a good time and a good show. I'm not going to rant about fucking BOLTON, MA...the shittiest crap-town that ever shitted crap. Fuckers.

*grumbles*

There will be some good music, probably some food/drink, and one can hope...boobs. So, get your tickets and we cal all go as a big group. So far there are 8 of us going. Go to ticketmaster.com or locobazooka.com for more info. So that's that, take it for what it's worth...jerks.

P.S. FUCK BOLTON!

New cars are better...

2006-04-06T01:59:00.000-05:00

Step 1: Get a new car {check}
Step 2: Get a new Job {check}
Step 3: Get a new Girlfriend
Step 4: Get out of Debt

1/2 way there bitches!

For those wondering...it was a 2005 Nissan Sentra Special Edition.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

V for Vendetta

2006-03-18T01:32:00.000-05:00

Remember, remember, the fifth of November,

The gunpowder treason and plot.

I know of no reason why gunpowder treason

Should ever be forgot.

Suck my Hiatus!

2006-03-14T02:42:00.000-05:00

Hey, screw you! I can't be expected to update this thing all the time. So, I'll fill you in with recent happenings. They are as follows:

1) I started one of those MySpace thingamajobbers. UncleHerpie's MySpace
So, if you are reading this, and are NOT my friend... Get with the times!

...jerk.

2)I got so amazingly sick, that I thought I was going to die. I even had my first experience with hallucinating on one of the nights. For whatever reason, I thought that everything I did had a bearing on World Events, including but not limited to; commerce and peace. I even had to arrange the pillows on my bed, of which there are many, in a certain way. The scary part about hallucinating is when you catch yourself doing it. Fuck that, it was perhaps the worst night of my life...which makes me wonder why people take drugs to INDUCE that hellish nightmare! So, in one of my sane moments I decided to take a shower, because as we all know, a good shower can probably cure cancer. That being said, cancer ain't got nothing on whatever the fuck I had. So I started with a hot shower, but I had a fever, and couldn't even feel it. I know it was hot as shit, because the steam was abundant. I changed my temperature to a cooler one, and sat down in the shower. This seemed to work a little better, and I was able to mutter to myslef, utterly naked, that it was mind over matter, and I wasn't going crazy. To make matters worse, whatever I had was graciously passed on to Andrew, who in turn, thought he was a piece of furniture. To cap it all off (beware...gross), I had one lovely morning where I had the honor of experiencing a mass evacuation of various bodily fluids. I got up to go the bathroom, when I promptly realized that I was going to vomit (which is VERY rare for me), luckily my bathtub is directly in front of my toilet. I was able to lean forward and vomit my entire stomach contents, namely Tang, into the tub. The convulsions of my vomiting then made by bowels violently evacuate themselves, followed by the loss of bladder control. Keep in mind, at this point I still had a fever, and all this activity was making me sweat quite profusely. Couple that with the tears and snot and spit and mucus that came along with the vomiting, and you have yourself a lovely mental image. At the end of my "episode", I almost laughed...almost. I was like a fucking joke, only it wasn't very funny.

3) The Job situation is starting to look up, as I've started my management training at PetCo. As much as I love being an "Aquatic Specialist", it's all about the money at this point. I also have a potential opportunity as a sales rep for Polar Beverages, which would also alot me a decent vehicle expense compensation package. Man, it would be nice to drive a car that HAS an exhaust system.

4) I lost a shit-ton of my cichlids due to the ever popular Malawi Flesh-Eating Bacteria. Funny thing is, it didn't limit itself to killing my Malawi Cichlids...it was a non-discriminative flesh-eating bacteria apparantly. I won't bother listing all the deaths, let's just say it was significant. All in all, I'd say I lost about 30 fish.

5) After much delay, Andrew, Affie, and I have finally begun watching "Bleach", and so far so good. I can tell it's gonna be a badass series. It has the sweet duality thing going, you know...funny AND badass.

6) I also started my own nation at NationStates.net. If you haven't already done so, DO so! When you get started, look for the region "Once Forgotten" and join our amalgamation of nations. The password to get in is: "password"

The Borderlands of Clamtasia
Now get to it...fucker.

7) I hate you Todd.

Bank of America can suck my balls.

2006-01-17T01:09:00.000-05:00

ME:
At some point, shouldn't the card have been shut off or
restricted? I can take the blame for overdrawing my account initially,
as I seem to have thought I had more money than I actually had. But to
hit me with 8 overdraft fees totalling upwards of $250 is a little too
much to grasp. If you'll notice, the majority of the charges were very
small (i.e. $2.76), as I was simply buying a drink and a candy bar at
work, not knowing that it was costing me $36. I NEVER received ANY
notice until Dec. 24th, at which point it was far too late. All in all,
this situation could easily have been avoided. I would appreciate any
help on the matter. Thank you.

Evan Dumas

p.s. Should I contact my branch manager?

B.o.A:

Thank you for your inquiry dated 12/27/05 regarding Regular Checking -
0277 Overdraft Protection. Your concerns are very important to us.

Although we are not obligated to pay an item presented if your account
does not have sufficient funds, we may pay it as a courtesy. This
occurrence may warrant an insufficient funds or overdraft fee to be
assessed to your account.

Also note that we are unable to refund any overdraft fees for two or
more occurrences unless the overdraft fee is due to a bank error. Our
research indicates the fees were applied correctly and no error
occurred. Unfortunately, we are unable to provide you with a refund.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. If we may be
of further assistance, please contact us again by e-mail.

Sincerely,

{blank} Winslet
Bank of America

ME:

I understand that it was my error that first allowed the account to be
overdrawn. However, I was not even given NOTICE until 10 days after it
happened, nor was the card shut off to PREVENT such charges from
continuing. On top of that, you then asessed a "monthly maintenence fee AND hit me with another overdraft charge for it! I'm usually not one to make ¨threats¨, but I simply cannot afford to have such a thing happen again. I'm sorry to say that I may
begin looking into other banking possibilities in order to prevent it.

B.o.A:

Thank you for your inquiry dated 1/11/06 regarding Re: Regular Checking
- 0277 Overdraft Protection.

We apologize for the inconvenience. As of June 1, 2005, overdraft or
insufficient funds fees are assessed against your account based on the
number of overdraft fee occurrences on your account as shown below:

- 1 occurrence: $19.00 per item
- 2-4 occurrences: $31.00 per item
- 5+ occurrences: $34.00 per item

An occurrence refers to the number of days that an overdraft or
insufficient funds item presented against your account during the
preceding 12-month period. The rolling 12-month period includes the
current calendar month plus the previous 12 calendar months.

We are unable to refund any overdraft fees for two or more occurrences
unless the overdraft fee is due to a bank error. Our research indicates
the fees were applied correctly and no error occurred. Unfortunately,
we are unable to provide you with a refund.

If we may be of further assistance, please contact us again by e-mail.
Thank you for choosing Bank of America.

Sincerely,

{blank} Barnett
Bank of America

ME:

I understand the policy, I'm telling you that I don't agree with the implementation. It was clearly an effort to usurp the funds for the benefit of the bank, rather than for the "protection" of the account holder. I lost $300 on candy bars! Thank you for ruining Christmas.

Am I out of line here? I never expected the actual president of Bank of America to actually respond to my email, but I did expect one of the customer service jabronies to get back to me. After about a week (they said 12 hours), I finally got a response, and it said the same shit as the last customer service goon's reply. Overdraft "protection" my hairy, white ass! Fuckers.

Fuck you!

2005-12-18T19:27:00.000-05:00

I have a question for NUA...

Where the Fuch is everyone?!

This is getting ridiculous...Even I can't play like I used to, but at least I try...at least I make an effort to make my presence felt.

Nick, you sorry sonofabitch, you need a goddamn intervention..and your girlfriend is no friggin' help because she's as pathetically addicted as you are. You weak, weak bastard. This new playlist update even favors your style of play, but NO, you spend you time porking helpless, pre-pubescent orcs. F'ing sicko.

I can't blame Flurb for jumping ship again...but I will. At least SS is f'ing playing the game, which is more than I can say for us.

Reap's going to be out-to-sea with all his "sailor-pals in uniform". So, at least he has an excuse...it's homorific, but it's still an excuse.

Todd is a little bitch, and has been milking the MAC address crap for about 3 months now. You sack of s#!+.

Alerys' semester is coming to an end on Tues., he has expressed interest in returning, albeit under a different name.

Sonic, Kitty, Guardo, Froggie, and Ronnie are all part-timers...and I suppose they should be scolded. ASSHOLES!

Dunbar is probably on his way here, but it takes him so goddamn long to do ANYTHING, he just hasn't arrived yet. When he does, noone will care...because he sucks and he's slow.

Edible Mustache seems to have gotten through his recent fad, and gone back to having sex...constantly.

If all this made you wonder if I was leaving NUA, then I feel sorry for you. Let's face it... I AM NUA for the time being.

fuckers.

An Ode to the Turkey...

2005-11-24T00:18:00.000-05:00

It's Thanksgiving...the ONLY holiday that's really worth celebrating. It's a completely secular holiday, built around family, and ther eis no big marketing scam pushing products on unsuspecting buyers. It a time for eating...a time for Football...but mostly a time for eating. Eating Turkey. And then there's some people who just don't get it... Here is a transcript of a discussion I had with one of these individuals...

UncleHerpie (11:49:28 PM): Turkey this!
my sn is nika (11:49:35 PM): *dodges*
my sn is nika (11:49:44 PM): nah, i don't want some bird flu, thanks.
UncleHerpie (11:50:12 PM): please tell me you are not forgoing thanksgiving turkey because of bird flu...
my sn is nika (11:50:29 PM): i'm having ham for thanksgiving
UncleHerpie (11:50:52 PM): you sadden me.
my sn is nika (11:51:21 PM): good.
UncleHerpie (11:51:53 PM): ham....pfffptt
my sn is nika (11:52:15 PM): honey glazed ham from that one ham store = ohsodamngood
UncleHerpie (11:52:52 PM): I hope a turkey pecks you repeatedly on your way to the ham store
my sn is nika (11:53:11 PM): too late
my sn is nika (11:53:15 PM): already have the ham here
UncleHerpie (11:53:30 PM): then I hope you get the hog flu
my sn is nika (11:54:14 PM): there's no hog flu
UncleHerpie (11:54:45 PM): ...that you know of
my sn is nika (11:55:06 PM): no, i know for a fact that there's no hog flu
UncleHerpie (11:55:16 PM): you know nothing of the sort!
my sn is nika (11:55:32 PM): that's because it's not in the news unlike the bird flu!
UncleHerpie (11:55:51 PM): oh, so only things that are on the news are factual?
my sn is nika (11:56:01 PM): i never said that
UncleHerpie (11:56:05 PM): mmm hmmm
my sn is nika (11:56:11 PM): you said that.
UncleHerpie (11:56:11 PM): victory is mine!
my sn is nika (11:56:18 PM): there's no victory!
UncleHerpie (11:56:29 PM): then why am I celebrating?!
my sn is nika (11:56:43 PM): because you celebrate for no reason
UncleHerpie (11:56:49 PM): I do not
my sn is nika (11:56:54 PM): hahaha
my sn is nika (11:56:58 PM): now you're in denial
UncleHerpie (11:57:05 PM): although tomorrow is thanksgiving...which is reason enough to celebrate
my sn is nika (11:57:13 PM): yeah, but that's tomorrow
my sn is nika (11:57:19 PM): so celebrate tomorrow, not today
my sn is nika (11:57:37 PM): and by today, i mean in pacific standard time
UncleHerpie (11:57:44 PM): correction....west coaster
UncleHerpie (11:57:48 PM): yeah
UncleHerpie (11:57:54 PM): I can celebrate all I want
my sn is nika (11:58:06 PM): yeah because i said, you celebrate for no reason
UncleHerpie (11:58:24 PM): no, because technically...it IS Thanksgiving
my sn is nika (11:58:57 PM): so you shouldn't celebrate, but instead, be thankful... of stuff...
UncleHerpie (11:58:59 PM): and I'm gonna have Thanksgiving food, while you are eating Christmas/Easter food
my sn is nika (11:59:24 PM): sure....
my sn is nika (12:05:55 AM): oh yeah, happy thanksgiving there...
UncleHerpie (12:07:52 AM): indeed
my sn is nika (12:08:33 AM): soo... what the heck are you thankful for??!??! HUH!??!?!?
UncleHerpie (12:09:48 AM): ...turkeys
UncleHerpie (12:10:02 AM): ...casserole
UncleHerpie (12:10:06 AM): ...potatoes
UncleHerpie (12:10:23 AM): ummm...biscuits
UncleHerpie (12:10:59 AM): stuffing, onions, cauliflower, broccoli...cider, egg nog, milk....
my sn is nika (12:11:10 AM): how about fruit salad?!?!? HUH!?!?!?
UncleHerpie (12:11:15 AM): sure
UncleHerpie (12:11:38 AM): not gonna waste any space in my stomach with it today...but other days is cool
my sn is nika (12:11:48 AM): hmmmmmmm
UncleHerpie (12:12:06 AM): I'm goin straight to turkey town
my sn is nika (12:12:16 AM): and where is that?
UncleHerpie (12:12:26 AM): Stoughton, MA
my sn is nika (12:12:47 AM): ah.
my sn is nika (12:13:05 AM): for shame... those turkeys can live a better life that this y'know...
UncleHerpie (12:13:23 AM): they have an honorable death
my sn is nika (12:13:33 AM): honorable? how?
UncleHerpie (12:13:40 AM): decapitation
my sn is nika (12:13:47 AM): how's that honorable?
UncleHerpie (12:13:54 AM): it's the classy way to go
my sn is nika (12:14:02 AM): *shakes head*
my sn is nika (12:14:04 AM): for shame.
UncleHerpie (12:14:09 AM): like the guillotine
UncleHerpie (12:14:42 AM): makes a chicken look like a pansy
my sn is nika (12:14:53 AM): -_-
UncleHerpie (12:15:10 AM): what?!
UncleHerpie (12:15:28 AM): eating a pig on it's day off is no less cruel!
my sn is nika (12:15:46 AM): pigs can procreate fast so it's okay
my sn is nika (12:15:56 AM): turkeys... we eat them AND their eggs...
my sn is nika (12:15:58 AM): for shame.
UncleHerpie (12:16:03 AM): pigs celebrate thanksgiving too!
UncleHerpie (12:16:17 AM): who the hell eats turkey eggs?!
UncleHerpie (12:16:23 AM): I sure as shit don't
my sn is nika (12:16:29 AM): i don't either
my sn is nika (12:16:39 AM): but some eat it anyway
UncleHerpie (12:16:49 AM): it would be a waste of a perfectly good tasting turkey

Well, there you have it...Enjoy your Thanksgiving you bastards and bitches...because you'll have to wait an entire fucking year for another one!!

R.I.P. Eddie Guerrero

2005-11-15T02:18:00.000-05:00

As some of you may have heard, through me or otherwise...Eddie Guerrero passed away Sunday morning at the age of 38. It is just apsolutely crazy to me that all these wrestlers continue to die. Why did it have to be Eddie Guerrero? He was on the right path...whether it be his faith that kept him grounded, or his 4 year sobriety. He brought himself back from the brink of self-destruction only to perish some years later. Something is NOT right with wrestling. Don't get me wrong, I love it, and I will most likely continue to watch it until the day I die. That being said, something has got to change. The number of Wrestler or wrestler related deaths is astounding...more so than any other sport or physical activity. My only guess is that it stems from the lifestyle that these wrestlers are forced to endure.

To place value on a person's life is wrong, but from a selfish standpoint, from a fan standpoint, this has got to be the worst death for me. Was it sad when Crash Holly died? Yes. Hawk? Yes. I can go on and on. But let's be honest, up until now the only truly heartbreaking moment has got to be Owen Hart. The man died on a national ppv broadcast. I literally watched the man plummet from the rafters, hit the turnbuckle, only to stand up and collapse. That was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Now we come to Eddie Guerrero... Like Owen he was a master of his craft. Without a doubt, one of the greatest to ever lace up a pair of Wrestling boots. I challenge anyone to tell me different. I truly looked forward to watching the man wrestle, because you knew it was going to be a great match. When he won the title for the first time, I literally jumped up and cheered. It's a shame that some wrestlers don't get the credit they deserve, because of their size, or their proportions, or whatever. People fall by the wayside, when it is in fact THEM that keep me watching. The "Christians", the "Matt Hardys", the "Benoits"...all those guys. WWE keeps letting them go, and they get replaced with suck-asses like Snitsky and other "big ugly dudes". These guys need to be treasured, revered, and most of all COMPENSATED for their dedication and consistency. Where is Jericho? Where is Christian? Where is Charlie Haas? Test? Saturn? I mean come on! I'm a goddamn layperson when it comes to the wrestling business...and I KNOW WHAT TO DO! My point is this...Eddie Guerrero died a 1 time champion. He should have been a champion many times over. I think that given the time, he would have been. SO keep your Kurt Angles, keep your Shelton Benjamins, make them into the stars that they should be, because one day, they might be dead, and they won't have gotten the credit they deserve.

Eddie Guerrero was one of my favorites, and not having him to look forward to will certainly hamper my need to watch Smackdown. He was one of the best ever, and this is how I will remember him.

Rest in Peace Eddie.

Poker Standings

2005-11-07T13:08:00.000-05:00

The following are the current(as of 11/07/05)poker standings. Each number represents the TOTAL number of over-all victories. Second place is NO place motherfuckers!

Adam - 2(?)
Affie - 0(3)
Al(ex) - 2(?)
Andrew - 0(4)
Evan - 6(21)
Joe - 5(21)
John - 0(1)
Karissa - 2(17)
Kevin - 0(2)
Matt - 0(1)
Nick - 3(19)
Todd - -1(?)

Well there you have it, I'm not going to go ahead and say that this is a direct reflection of the skill level and/or over-all quality of Human Being, but anything that has me at the top, and Todd at the bottom, just has to be right...on soooo many levels...including that one...you sickos.

11/05 Update: Not only did I assume the lead in the poker standings, but I did it in grand fashion. At one point in the game I was down to $1.50 in chips. I came back to eliminate every other person at the table. I put the last 2 jabronies all in on the very last hand, and took them BOTH out at the same time. If only I knew the total number of games that Todd has played in...then I could show beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is indeed the weakest link!

GOODBYE!

Keep on trucking

2005-11-04T22:55:00.000-05:00

Just to keep the flow going heres a video of some badass hitting bill gates with a pie.

Right on Mr. Badass

http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m006.zip

Had to add this cause its soooo bad

It's a song about love and friendship from a total retard who plays WOW.

http://files.filefront.com/SEARCH/;4033578;;/fileinfo.html

Comedic Gems: Halo Argument #1

2005-09-28T14:36:00.000-05:00

O.k., here's part 2 of the Comedic Gems: Halo Style saga. This one isn't as funny as some of the others, but it was a damn good argument, in which I believe we clearly won. You see, there is this tool by the name of RedStar, who was constantly trying to push our buttons. And I don't mean it as in the way WE do it. He was just a plain dick. Anyway, he decided to critique one of our sucessful maneuvers. The following is how that Rusted Bed-Pan known as xxRedStarxx decided to voice his dislike:

Subject: Why do the duster insist on doing the 'dumb' banshee drop.

Posted: 3/10/2005 2:28 PM
By: xxRedStarxx

I'm not trying to be mean or rude but I must reiterate that dropping in the base with banshee in a flag match is extremely stupid. I've been playing with you guys for quite some time and I know on more then one occassion I've explained how bad this strategy is but nearly every flag match I play with the dusters someone drops in the base with the banshee.

So, I'm going to waste everyone's time and again explain why this is a bad idea.

1. It rarely works. The only time this particular newb trick will work is against newbs. If the other team is severly unorganized then it will work. But after 5 months of playing halo 2 how often do you play against unorganized teams?

2. When the drop is performed the opposing team will have 2 banshees. This might be okay if you had the rockets but it is very uncertain who has them. However, the banshee is one of, if not the, best vehicle in the game. The scouting ability alone gives you a huge advantage. Not to mention its superior sniper supression abitilty.

Again, I'm not trying to be rude I think you guys are cool. No hard feelings.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: 3/11/2005 2:05 PM
By: Last Shenanigan

Not all your strategies are too well thought out, the whole parking the warthog on the teleporter and leaving it undefended is just asking them to jump in it with the flag and drive home. Kinda like what me and Godduck did when we played awhile back.

I know I've posted this link already but just in case you missed it.
http://www.bungie.net/Stats/GameStats.aspx?gameID=66711866&player=L %20a st%20Shenanigan
Thats the link to the game in which we beat you guys, using the banshee drop.

And finally, would you rather us drop out of the warthog and into the top of their base?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: 3/11/2005 5:49 PM
By: God Duck

I tried the warthog dropping technique...

It didn't end as well as you think.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: 3/12/2005 2:09 PM
By: UncleHerpie

man oh man oh man....*cracks knuckles*

To start...we are no longer "The Dusters" we are NudeUnderArmor. You know, a clever yet ridiculous clan name that a little bit, if not too much thought was put into. I am ALMOST surprised that you don't like this strategy...given that your entire clan with the exception of Reaper(we all know his roots)and sometimes Minx, is offensive minded, often leaving the base without a soul guarding it. So, our 1 totally offensive-minded maneuver, you decide to criticize. I can deal with that, however, I would like to make a few points of my own. After which, I am confident that you will agree with me(us), and be willing to hand over your precious Banshee when I ask for it...and I will. If not, then perhaps you are more suited to playing Star Wars games...

1. As far as the actual prodedure goes...What facts do you have to back up your claim that it rarely works? None?...Oh, my mistake, I thought someone would maybe do a little fact-gathering before stating said "facts". Well, if you would like to review the stats from our games on Waterworks, you will find that it works 90 to 95% of the time. Hahaha, and as Nick mentioned....there was the time we did it to you...odd. Need I mention, that this move was designed when reaper was in our clan, and he fully endorses it, and is one of the key factors in it's success.

2.Organized clans....where do I begin here? Well, I'll tell you! It would appear that we must often run into un-organized clans, given the sucess rate of the "Banshee Drop" and....if we also did it to you....would that then group your clan ...into the "Brotherhood of Un-organized Clans" Yes. Yes it does. Not that there was much doubt to begin with. *cough* defense *cough* Noobs indeed...

3. The "Dumb" Banshee Drop? What exactly makes it dumb? Need I critique every retarded thing you and your clan do? Cuz I will. I could probably write a thesis on it. I mean as far as I can tell, Minx is the best team player in your clan, and even she will abandon the team to save your sorry Banshee flying carcass.

4. The banshee sucks. Bad. It's a distractory vehicle, that is all. It is easily shot down with a pistol, and a well timed rocket is basically a certain kill. It has poor shooting abilty...must I go on? the fact that you "mastered" the art of banshee flying is more sad than anything. I mean, your 4-7 random kills are all well and good, but what purpose do they actually serve? I use the banshee on 2 occasions. When I need to get somewhere fast and it is the only vehicle left, and when I am goin to do the banshee drop. Note that I say "I" am going to do the banshee drop, because that is my role in the procedure. It was well thought out that way. Unlike random flying....or "scouting"...scouting?! Good god, what's the point of scouting, if when there is someone on top of our base getting ready to grab our flag, and I am saying out loud, that there is a person in a certain area, and noone, and I mean noone goes to even check it out. You have to keep in mind, that I am defending the flag....you heard it, defending the flag!!! I cannot abandon my post to go kill that person if there isn't adequate back-up, which there often isn't. Why? because if I fail to kill the person, they will have an open shot at our flag. Bad.
Moreover, do you know how much I care if the other team has 2 banshees? I don't. As far as I'm concerned, it's one less person doing something useful on the opposing team. One less person actively helping their team in an effort to get our flag. One less person getting useful kills on us. Do you see what I'm getting at?

How does it give you a huge advantage? They ALSO have a banshee...wouldn't that make it an even playing field? You know what else has good sniper supression? The base...where the flag is.

4. What is this all really about? Are you mad that I am using your precious Banshee? Feel free to take a ghost to their base and try to recover it. Then you can fly around to your heart's content. Meanwhile, I will return to Reaper with the Warthog that I left at the base, pick him up, and return with our flag. Sometimes, I'll even repeat the whole procedure 2 more times and win. Sometimes though, I'll just STAY AT THE BASE AND DEFEND!!! You see, what that does, is prevent the other team from scoring. As I've said before, defense wins championships, whether it be Baseball (Red Sox), or Football (Patriots X3), or even in Halo. Not that I can blame you, I mean what team can you emulate? What is it, like the Utah Jazz or something?.....heh, it's starting to make sense. Keep in mind, that I ONLY use this move on Waterworks, so any possible gripe you may have is on a map that comes up every once in awhile. I'm sure you can find something else to critique when it comes to us, something valid perhaps....

5. Your clan is good at slayer games. But guess what? 16 player slayer matches are rare. If they create a Big Team Slayer gametype in the new update, then you can feel free to bitch about our lack of killing *cough*Shenanigan*cough* How about Alerys when he's drinking? HE kills everyone!! I'm no slouch myself. GodDuck can be very effective before 9pm, when his brain shuts off. You should probably make reaper your overlord, because he is good at both slayer and objective games.

These are the people that I could make useful in our clan:

FlurbyBox : good all around skills and a monster long/mid-range ability
Minx : decent team play and slayer ability
MayHamn : good at quoting Christopher Columbus, and enjoyable to play with(peon spot baby!)
Reaper : Best player in your clan.
Owen : while inconsistent, when he's on, he's on.(not any longer)

...

...

that's all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: 3/12/2005 6:51 PM By: xxRedStarxx

You guys say that you have a 90 to 95 % sucess rate on waterworks. Well where did you get this number? I think your just making sh@t up. Let me introduce the following as evidence:

Last Shenigans stats on big team battle. 320 games played 135 wins. Let's see thats about a 42% success rate. Interesting.

UncleHerpies stats on big team battle. 355 games played 140 wins. That's also about a 40% success rate. Very interesting.

So either you suck really bad at all the other big team battle maps or your full of sh@t.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: 3/12/2005 7:26 PM
By: UncleHerpie

Ghaa!! You dumb-ass!!!

How many of those games in big team battle are "capture the flag on Waterworks" All 355 of them?! What the crap are you talking about?! I'm saying that WHEN Waterworks comes up AND it is single flag or multi-flag, AND I perform the banshee drop, it has a sucess rate of 90 to 95%. I didn't say that I use a banshee drop in all 355 of my games played. Dammit man, get your facts straight.

Also, there are many games on Coag....where you aren't present....and noone even touches the banshee....and noone cares...and we score. As far as us vs. you on that map....let's do it...again...I don't care. Keep in mind that you would know that I would be doing it, and could prepare yourselves accordingly. Not to mention whoever takes Joe's place in the procedure would more than likely use a rocket on your goddamn Banshee before you could touch Nick in the Wraith. If not, it won't matter because none of you will be in the base defending anyway right? Also, who's to say you would even get our flag to begin with. Is it possible, yeah sure, but we'll put up one hell of a defensive stand to prevent it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: 3/12/2005 8:10 PM
By: Last Shenanigan

Scout? I barely ever hear you talking in the party menu better yet in an actual game telling us anything we cant already see for ourselves.
Spawn kill vehicles? Why do you put such a huge importance on vehicles? They are in no way "precious" if you blow up all our vehicles I'll saddle up my 60 year old horse and hoof the map hugging the wall and sticking to the caves like I know what I'm doing.
Like any other weapon they have their advantages and disadvantages.
The banshee drop is just a quick try at their flag before they're ready most of the time it gets blown up while still sitting on their base. After that we do jump over the wall and grab it. The thing respawns in about 30 seconds cant you wait that long?

Honestly man you could've been alot more adult about this and not started a whole new thread for it... why not in ideas and contributions? Or how bout saying "thanks for letting me post here guys" like the rest of you clan did? No? I realize you say your not trying to be rude, but that doesnt mean you arent being rude. If we play a game together I will personally pal to pal find a working banshee and fly it all the way over to you (same team or not) and let you do all this "vehicle killing" or "sniper suppression" you want. More so you bring stats into the arguement? Dare I call you a hypocrite with YOUR stats? I got a great idea, go to YOUR forum post to YOUR clan about the really tiny details YOU dont like. Then when you and minx end up with two banshees you can fly all over hell and high five each other across your living room everytime one of you gets a kill.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: 3/13/2005 2:11 PM
By: God Duck

LOUD NOISES!

Comedic Gems...Halo Style!

2005-09-25T14:32:00.000-05:00

Some of you don't have access to my Bungie.net forum. As such, you tend to miss many of the utterly hilarious posts that regularly occur therein. In this series of posts, I will be chronicling some of them for you. Note: Not every post will be of my keen intellect, so if something is only mildly amusing to you, blame the person who wrote it.

This week I'll be documenting our News page, with stunning, informative articles for all Bungie.net users and casual observers to read.

Keep on Bitchin' Baby!
Posted by UncleHerpie at 5/16/2005 5:15 PM

Here we are once again, celebrating our very own Bitch Thread. Who would have thought that now, on this, the something something of May, in the year...something something, we could look back at over a hundred different bitches. Not just any bitches mind you, but the kind of bitches you could only ever find at like, I dunno...a bitch factory or something.

There's been bitching about names, forum titles, Legendary Chaos, how and why Redstar was and still is a tool, GodDuck and his complete dedication to suckery, Dunbar79's lack of play-time and his sickening proclivity to intense "self-love", Last Shenanigan's exponentially increasing list of betrayals, UncleHerpie's overwhelmingly good looks and how they make everyone feel bad about themselves, Reaper42's clan-whoring, MayHamn being so old that we had to carbon-date him just to be sure he was in fact of homosapien nature, KSI and their cheating ways, more Legendary Chaos, and finally Bungie...and how they just plain suck. Only time will tell what future bitches will spread eagle and grace this ever popular thread, nay, this historic somethingorother of complete social importance and co(s)mic relevance.

All in all, I'd say it's been a good run so far, so let's keep on Bitchin' in the Free World and remember kids:

"If your crapping in a closet, always wipe from back to front."

Thank You, Goodnight

--------------------------------------
Bitch Thread 50th Anniversary
Posted by Last Shenanigan at 4/7/2005 4:05 PM

Over the past months the Dusters forums have had a shadow cast over it by one thread and several hundred complaints. The Bitch Thread. Started December 16, 2004 at about 7:40 PM Eastern Time.
The Bitch Thread has battled its way into the hearts of posters everywhere. Born and raised on the bungie.net forums, it has maintained its rich cultural heritage. But, like all young threads "bitch" has had its share of problems. Server downtime, editing, part-time jobs and worst of all, an abusive father that used and abused her way too often.
So how did this sassy young thread turn into a global conglomeration of passion and pure unbridled hate? Many believe its simply luck of the draw, being in the right place at the right time. Acclaimed actress Natalie Portman says "After seeing Apollo 13, what I really want to be is an astronaut. I'm dying to go to space camp next summer!". There are those who think differently though, when asked to comment on his "daughter's" wonderful sucess, all Mr. Herpie had to say was, "I'm going to take a dump in your closet, and wipe my ass onyour pillowcase" "Bitch" , seemingly unphased by her fathers harsh words, simply continued threading.
All disputes aside, today we celebrate the birth and continued dominance of this modern marvel. Arguably the greatest thread in the history of forums and blogs everywhere...one that can be compared to many of the other legendsof this or any time. Things such as the Jackinthebox, the Atom Bomb, and the rake simply pale in comparison.
So enjoy your stay Bitch, and we all hope to be here to celebrate your 100th anniversary.(see above)

-------------------------------------
New Bungie Update likely a farce!
Posted by UncleHerpie at 4/1/2005 8:21 PM

Before anyone jumps off the handle about todays update, keep in mind that today IS April Fools Day. If you weren't quite "swift" enough to catch on to this, then consider this your *hint hint wink wink*, so you don't look like an ass-clown. Well, more of an ass-clown than you already do...

-------------------------------------
"Your name here"
Posted by Last Shenanigan at 3/19/2005 10:15 AM

So as an act of goodwill, if you feel somehow your chosen forum title doesnt fit you, or you really swear you DONT pick your nose. Then we will be kind enough to rename you and perhaps a few of your family members with better titles. There are a few conditions however

1. It has to be socially acceptable.

2. It cannot be a title thats already taken. Each one of you are specifically limited in what you can do based on your title, and I mean limited.

3. It still has to be approved by the committee of nude spartans.

4. It has to be amusing. If you cant laugh at yourself, we'll do it for you.

I'd like to also point out that if you feel someone elses title should be changed and enough people on here agree with you then well, like it or not we'll change their title to please the masses.

That is except the Jabroni's... you know who you are and you'll never get a break. Even the pope would say your title fits you perfectly.
-----------------------------------
Member Roles Updated
Posted by UncleHerpie at 3/17/2005 10:56 PM

Well, the new forum member roles have been updated. If you were ever curious as to how everyone is viewed by Admin King Tut over there or the ever-so-lovable Retard Doom!, now is your chance to find out.
I think everyone will find that their respective title mirrors their personality to a "T".

Don't agree? Too Bad!!!

There's nothing you can do about it.

...jerks.
----------------------------------
Dear Jedi
Posted by Last Shenanigan at 5/26/2005 12:26 AM
(To a rival Clan Overlord)
Dear Jedi,

The war has spilled into our lives. What was once a beautiful arrangement has now turned scandalous. I realize now we can never be together. I regret I missed that one night where our two worlds were one, but I knew you couldn't stay. There are people out there who depend on you, who need you. I was so selfish to think you'd stay. If you believe that it is best for us to not see each other anymore I'll understand, but know this, we will never forget the sacrifice you made for us, and throughout eternity we will believe in your memory. You will always be our Sodomized Locomotive. Be strong my love, and may the force be with you.

If you haven't seen it yet...

2005-09-20T20:32:00.000-05:00

Hungry Like the Wolf

About damn time!

2005-09-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

After months of postponing and procrastination, I finally got my scanner working and managed to scan my newest(although no longer new) drawing of Doom. If you look back in the archives, you'll see the cover of the comic that I used. I'll keep a copy in the artwork section of my picture page as well. This was my fist experiment with color, a little different from my standard pen & ink drawings, and a far cry from my pencil only ones. I have yet to finish the foot, but I was excited to finally have a working scanner again, so I decided to test it out on the Doom pic.

My new cell phone is in the mail I think, and it should be up and running shortly. I'll post the number here so all you bitches and bitchettes can get in touch with me. Ahh..gotta love the double-feminine gender.

Oh yeah...Doom.

Everything tastes like chicken

2005-09-13T22:18:00.000-05:00

Well to finish off a wonderous week of insults, getting written up at BOTH jobs one of them for things I wasnt even there for, and someone stealing my debit card and charging an AMAZING 51.04 at a taco bell (bravo). Karissa was nice enough to call me at work today and let me know my chinchilla has died. How? When? No one knows, but he's as stiff as a new born baby. I'd almost say I got screwed more than Evan this week... but then again evan lost at poker to me due to a pair of 8's on the river with three aces on the table and a king in his hand... so ehhhh. The wake will be held right now and the funeral will be sometime after I get out of work tomorrow afternoon, stop by and say something if you please. Mr. Chin was a model citizen who had a great sense of humor and held a steady job.He was the only person I knew better then me at halo, my friend and most of all my pet...

...and now he's dead.

Rest in Fluff Mr. Chin

Keepin' it warm!

2005-09-10T13:41:00.000-05:00

Would you believe it?! The people who mail those bills actually WANT the money they're asking for!! Assholes.

Man, it really sucks when all your bills come in at the same time, especially when you are unemployed. Which, by the way, needs to be rectified immediately(resume' available upon request). I have my trusty cable and my...sweet, sweet internet...Who needs Gas?!
I'm gonna be canceling my home phone, and getting a cell, so that should make you bastards happy...always complaining about me not having one...

As hinted at in the title of this entry...I am indeed an Uncle. My brother decided not to use protection, and wouldn't cha know it....BAM! a baby! Anyway, I'm going to try my damnedest to get her to call me "Uncle Herpie"

Flurbybox is purchasing World of Warcraft today, which probably means we'll never see him again. I say we start preparing now for an Inter-net-ervention, or as I like to call it peer-to-peer pressure. Pretty soon, he and Nick will be pissing into thermoses and forgetting to eat "real" food, as they will undoubtedly acquire their sustenance in-game. Ah shit...I've gone and done it...oh well, I'm gonna bring you down with me...Picture it..."Karissa"..."Pissing in a thermos"...Oh man, I apologize for that, but it had to be done. It's that kind of harsh reality that these poor souls need. There is more to life than levels and XP.

Alright folks..I'm off to organize my freezer. All those thermoses are really starting to take up space...

Just like Ninjas...

2005-09-01T12:48:00.000-05:00

You know what's great about going away? That's right, forgetting to tell everyone that you are doing so. At any rate I am back now from my harrowing journey to Virginia.

We started packing up my father's belongings on Thurs. We decided to pack the tools into one truck. As such, we made a concerted effort to keep the heavier stuff at the bottom, and to evenly distribute the weight. All the while ignoring the posted regulations inside the cargo box. Things such as: Total Weight Capacity: 2,600 Lbs. and "It is unlawful to transport motor vehicles, people, animals, combustibles, corrosives, and pressurized containers."

Surely those must have been jokes right? So, we loaded up a motorcycle, some gas cans, propane tanks, motor oil, paint thinner, paint, and other "unlawful" things, and packed it to a capacity of what we thought may have been around 4,500 Lbs. While the motorcycle was in the other truck, you get my point. Anyway, feeling content with ourselves, we loaded siad motorcyle and all the furniture into the other truck. This on was significantly lighter than the other Tool Truck, but we were rapidly running out of space. I t was then that I decided to save the day and inform them thet they were going to need another truck or a tow behind to fit the remaining stuff. So we decided to "perpetrate" as the kiddies say nowadays, and get a U-haul tow-behind for our fleet of Penske Trucks. The tow-behind went on the tool truck, as the other truck had to tow my father's 1932 Ford HotRod and anything we could stuff in or around it. So here we are both exceeding the hauling capacity by some 1900 Lbs. AND we are towing an additional trailer behind it. Keeping in mind that my father is driving the safer of the two trucks. He gets the furniture/hotrod truck, while I get the goddamned "Death Mobile".

Let's flashback about 2 hours. I'm giving the dog a flea bath, because he found it necessary to become infested with sand fleas before the trip. So, I kill the majority of the fleas, but of course, some decide that I'd make a good meal instead. So, they obviously hide away in my pants or something, as I can already see and feel the bites. It is at this point that I think to myself, "Man, this is going to be great!"

And we're off! Leaving Rochester, MA after an extended period of time due to the buyer of my father's house having some last minute shenanigans to pull. Because my father didn't have to pay a brokerage fee on selling the house, she thought the $15,000 should rightfully go to her...Yeah, I don't understand it either. Apparently, this was the first her lawyer had even heard about it. So, after some other crazy-bitch things, they finally sign and close the deal. We end up leaving at about 3:15pm, a good 3 hours after our projected time. This particularly sucks, because we wanted to be in CT by the time rush hour came around, but now, this was not to be.

We are about 7 minutes away from the house when MY truck(of course) begins to violently sway from left to right...and when I say violent, I mean DEATHDEFYING! So, I immediately pull slowly to the right of the road and gently apply pressure to the brakes. Eventually the truck pulls to a complete stop. It was at this moment that we realize that we won't be able to travel at the projected "maximum warp" (65 mph). Yup, so 50-55 it is...all the way to VA. I shouldn't have to mention that we hit rush-hour traffic all the way through RI, which sucks even WITHOUT rush hour.

This trip, unlike most southward trips, was NOT driven down Rt. 95, we took the long way. From MA through RI, CT, NY(state), PA, MD, WV, and VA. So, I'll break it down by state for you.

MA: 1st teetering

RI: Rush hour and traffic jams due to accidents

CT: Long and boring drive, as we were going west not totally south. We stopped for dinner at Denny's on the CT/NY border, and I must say, it smelled like sewage. I think there was at least one more teetering

NY: Just as boring as CT, but at least I had some good radio stations(no cd player) I believe we drove through the Karissaville part of NY, in the Huson Valley area. Had 1 teetering going up a hiil and around a bend...that was fun.

PA: How to describe it...wait, I'll get to that. First we decide to get a motel for the night, but many of them have no vacancy. We find a sign for an inn on the side of the road, and decide to try it...little did we know it was a mile and a half up a stupid narrow windy road with no street lights. We finally get there and discover that it is more of a bed n' breakfast type of thing with farmanimals and the like. My father goes to see what their rates are, but comes back and we decide to find a real motel instead. So, back down the stupid road, an lo and behold, my trailer lights stop working. "Well, I hope we don't get pulled over." Back on the highway for another hour or so, before we can find a motel. Luckily for us, this particular motel DID allow pets. So, we sleep through till the next morning, get a quick breakfast and off we go. And go....and go... PA sucks. You wanna know what pennsylvania looks like? Here, take a piece of paper and draw a road off into the distance, you can make it wind if you want, but just make sure you make it go off into the distance...now, put notheing but corn on either side of the road as far as the eye can see. O.k., now in the background, I want you to put the Appalachin mountains. Good. After hours and hours of driving, it is now time to CLIMB said mountains...in an overweight box truck...that is towing an additional trailer. You can probably guess the RPMs that I was running at going both up and down peaks and valleys. It was insane. But this is ME we're talking about folks...you know it 's about to get a shit-ton worse. The highway quickly goes down to 2 lanes...and I see some upcoming road construction...BAM! one lane! And it's between Jersey Barriers on both sides...I can't pull off now...I'm trapped within 8 miles of jersey barriers on either side...then I see it...the road is all chewed up and uneven. NOw when I say uneven, I mean it's uneven at a diagonal slant. Meaning that one of my tires is going to hit it before the other...which is going to create a massive shift in my center of gravity...you can guess where this is going...So I hit it, and of course violenty sway back and forth between jersey barriers with nowhere to go...what's worse is the pavement continues to be imbalanced with more and more rolls and flats on both sides of the truck. Keep in mind that if I crash, I'm going to be blocking the ENTIRE highway going through PA. Whether through my skillful driving or even perhaps the road itself...I managed to slow my self to 30 something miles an hour. At this point noone can pass me, because it's only one lane, and there's nothing I can do about it. Not that the truck would go any faster that that without the momentum to carry it along. In one of the mountains I saw a sign that read Shamokin - Pottsville , and I laughed to myself...Luckily, this highway comes to an end, and we are on a much better highway, both in breadth and maintenence.

MD: We immediately cross the Mason-Dixon line, and I swear that I smell BBQ.

WV: What can I say about West Virginia...nothing.

VA: Finally we're in our destination state! I see massive, town-sized buildings for both Taget and Wal-Mart. With fleets and fleets of trucks...I'm guessing they were distribution centers. They had fleets and fleets of trucks...it was crazy. More historical stuff...The Potomac, Anteitam, New Market Battleground...among others. It was around this time that I noticed the exits were counting down from 320something...and that they coincided with the mile markers. Now we had to get off at exit 114, I can't tell you how discouraging that was. We drove through the Shenandoah Valley, which was nice...Add 1 or 2 more teeters in there somewhere, but at this point I didn't really even care about them, I just took them and continued driving...We get off at exit 114, which is rt. 8. Now, I haven't been to many states, but the route systems here are crazy. Their highways are like our back alleys. And here I am in a giant box truck with too much weight in it. After an indescribaly long and winding, dipping and peaking, banking and bumping road, we get to another one that is even longer...FUCK! 20 miles later and sweaty palms underneath white knuckles we finally get there...the end of the long journey! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Now we get to take everything OFF the trucks...We decide to hold off until the next day. We go and grab some delicious bbq dinner, and head off to another motel, as my father hasn't closed on the new house yet. I won't even bother describing the layout of Hillsville, VA...you can probably guees why it's called that...and yes...it probably also has to do with the "HILLBILLIES" as well...Needless to say, it is in the middle of fucking nowhere, high atop the blue ridge mountains. We get a knock at the door, and it's my father asking about breakfast. My friend Matt, who joined us by way of Richmond, VA..agreed to go, but I...morning person that I am, elected to remain in bed. When I do finally get up, I see that all of Hillsville is covered in thick fog...I think to myself...hmmm....this isn't fog, is it...I'm in a fucking cloud! Now it's time to unload the trrucks...this, surprisingly is MUCH easier than loading it...must be that whole gravity thing...We head in the house for a sec, for some drinks and come back out only to see that about 50 cows had silently made their way to the fence between my father's property and his neaghbors...they were all lined up at the fence, probably 30 strong, with some in ranks behind them...and they are just staring...not eating, not pooping...nothing...just staring...It was the creepiest moment I've had in a long time. They snuck up on us like Ninja Cows. If I only had my camera handy...it was crazy! So we get the unloading done by about 1:00 and go to get some lunch at a nice buffet place in the bustling metropolis that is Galax, VA. Matt and I decide to head on to Richmond before it gets too late. By now, the cloud has passed or the fog has cleared, and I can see Hillsville...it's nice...nice and hilly. I nice 4+ hour ride back to Matt's place, through mountains and valleys, and flatlands and prostitutes...We get to his house and decide to go grocery shopping after a nice cold shower. Yep a cold shower...because in an effort to blend in with the local community, I wore a wife-beater tanktop whilst unloading the trucks, and sucessfully burnt the impression of a wife-beater into my skin via the sun. By the time we got to Richmond, it was quite painful. So we get some groceries...me my normal stuff, Poptarts, jalepeno jack cheese, triscuts, tropicana twister, and some beef jerky. Matt gets some healthy/organic crap for he and his also healthy living girlfriend Lynn. We did have some Vegetable Tort made for us upon our return, and it was pretty damn good, I must say. The next day I read both "The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe", and "Prince Caspain" in anticipation of the up coming movies. That night we decided to go out to eat some mexican food. It was also pretty damn good, although I forgot to pay Matt back for taking care of the check with his card. I'm going to have to pay for his inevitable meal at Jalepeno's Taqeria in Walpole, MA. Make sure someone reminds me...Next day, I watch hours and hours of The Simpsons season 4 on dvd, and then we're off to the airport. I get there at around 4:40 with plenty of time to check my luggage, and some luggage that I agreed to take for Matt to lighten his load when he comes back up to MA in a week or so. My flight is scheduled to leave at 6:25 and arrive in Boston at 8:05.

Now, if you know me at all, you knew that this would never come to pass...I was reviewing the flight arrival and departure boards at around 6:00 just to make sure everything was going smoothly...and as I was watching the board, MY flight...no others...switches to "DELAYED" Of course, what else could happen...I almost felt like appologizing to everyone else on the flight...as it was most undoubtedly my fault. We get a message over the speakers that we will have an update at 7:30...7:30 rolls around and we get the update that there IS NO update, and that they will get back to us every half hour. Blah blah blah, 7 chapters later in my book that thankfully I brought, and 9:18 rolls around, and finally we get to board the plane. It's one of those little-ass jobbers that fly express to and from major cities. The whole flight lasted about an hour and 15 minutes, with a lot of sitting around as usual.

Andrew, Affie, and Andrew's father picked me up at the airport, and luckily Adrew's father had fast lane, and we didn't have to wait for the toll to get out of Logan. I got home, took a shit and a shower, checked my e-mail, discovered that my phone had been shut off, and went to Andrew's to watch Star Trek: First Contact. I fell asleep.

Well, that should just about do it. Make sure you read it all, because I took the time to type it!

assholes.

Classic

2005-08-28T18:19:00.000-05:00

Everyone MUST visit Retrojunk.com. Here's a taste of what they have to offer http://retrojunk.com/details_theme/332/
http://www.retrojunk.com/details_theme/458/

http://www.retrojunk.com/details_theme/64/

Suggestions?

2005-08-20T16:54:00.000-05:00

To start, I would like to thank Nick for illustrating how frustrated he gets when he doesn't get as much gold as he wanted for the arrows he spent 38 straight hours fabricating and assembling. I mean "hell!" these arrows add +4 to your nerd factor, surely 50 gp isn't too much to ask for!

Last week, I was given a suggestion as to what to write about, and I think it turned out pretty funny. So, I wanna take some more ideas for me to rant or comment on.

Not too much this time around, as I am tired from a long day of helping my father get ready to move to VA. Just want to voice MY frustration towards Comcast, for fucking with the Anime Selects portion of their onDemand programming. As many of you may already know, I am...or WAS rather...invested in a number of various anime programs. Alas, comcast decided to revamp the playlists with dumb-ass names like seishun, wasabi, and mad sushi. I don't even know what that crap stands for. It used to be action, comedy, drama, and fantasy...which was cut n' dry. Anyway, the real issue is this: THEY RESTARTED ALL THE EXISTING SERIES AT EPISODE 1!!!!! So, after all the time I spent watching these shows every week was allin vain. Because now I have to wait for weeks and weeks for it to return to the episodes that I was on. To put it in the immortal words of Steve Carell, "blugggebrrrugghhnnnghhhbblllaahh----nnnnn-kkaakaapoopoo."

Up for interpretation

2005-08-16T08:50:00.000-05:00

I found this online... and figured I'd share it with everyone.

Enjoy

The First Annual Jabroni Invitational

2005-08-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Time for the First Annual Jabron Invitational.

The Place: http://fantasysports.yahoo.com/
The League: The Jabroni Invitational
The League ID:#440987
The Password: jabroni
The Reason: Because it is Football Season, and with football comes beer drinking, bbq eating, smack talking and most important of all bragging rights.

Bring it on Biatches!!!

I am The Thin Brown Line...

2005-08-14T01:29:00.000-05:00

As per request, let us delve into the inner workings of NudeUnderArmor. I'd say we have a well rounded team at this point. Due to Last Shenanigan's absence, the rest of us have been forced to pick up the slack. Thus far, aside from the occasional shady occurrence, team killing, and outright cheating...we have been up to the task. Especially on Relic...it's a rare thing if we get outclassed on Relic, we seem to have that map worked out just right. At any rate, let's examine the general roles of each semi-active member of the clan.

Last Shenanigan: It would seem that the Halo gods shine down upon him. He is usually in a constant state of Juggernaut settings...until you see him actually become the Juggernaut...then it's just obscene. His roles include sniping, jump sniping, round the corner sniping, sniping through explosions, diversionary sniping, rocketing, grenading, mid-range battle-rifling, melees, assassinations, tank driving(Wraith and Scorpion), friendly fire, friendly grenades, throwing empty weapons at incoming plasma grenades, and a general knack for outright team killing (by team I mean THE WHOLE TEAM). It doesn't matter if you are 98% done arming a bomb and you are on his team...he's going to shoot you in the face with a rocket. To put it simply, he's an asshole.

FlurbyBox: A skilled player who can often be found causing havoc unto the other team. Easily the second most skilled member of the clan. He's generally the secondary sniper, often taking up the mantle for Shenanigan should he care to kill you or others with a different array of weapons. He's a monster mid range battle-rifler, and a general asset to the team. He will often go on a complete rampage and rack up as many, if not more kills than the entire rest of the team. He has become quite skilled with the Scorpion Tank, especially on Containment. He likes his women like he like his chicken...

fried.

Reaper42: The Melee Machine. Due to him adopting the "boxer" settings as a controller scheme, he can usually be found in the midst of about 4 to 8 members of the opposite team. While he will most likely perish, you had better bet your bottom dollar that he's taking a bunch of them out with him. He has perfected the use of the shotgun, and can actually kill an ass-load of people with it...god knows how. His kills tend to greatly outweigh his deaths...unless he's on Terminal...then...well...it's pretty damn ugly...

just like him...har har har

Alerys: "The Runaway Kid" as he's known in some circles. Don't even bother chasing him if you hear him utter the words, "Mother!"...it's all a ploy to lure you in. His goal is to lead you as far through the level as possible, so as to be killed by another combatant. Not that you could catch him anyway, he's a slippery devil with a bullet-proof iron plate in his back. Don't let his cowardly outward appearance fool you, he'll tear you to sheds with a battle rifle. With his recent acquisition of a larger HDTV, this skill is bound to improve. You can never count him out, even if it seems that you will beat him without a shadow of a doubt. He has a 72 foot lunge technique that noone else has perfected, and he will employ this tactic in a last act of desperation. Also, beware of throwing frag grenades at him, as he is also known to shoot them out of the air just as it leaves your hand.

CommieKitty: Well, she's a girl. Yet, she's good at Halo...which is a Video Game...I don't understand it either. Nevertheless, she's a skilled player who seems to play just as well when she's piss drunk as when she is sober. She can often be found chatting up a storm in a private pre-game lobby or even on a map. Because of her popularity, she has some high-ranking friends that enjoy playing with her, thus increasing her rank. Luckily for her, she can back up her acquired rank on any given day. It's obvious to me that she has a thing for UncleHerpie, and wants to have his babies.

BabyHerpie?

BlueSol: Generally known as "Sonic", as it was his original gamertag that he used...to harass, yell at, and generally annoy people into liking him. He can often be found chatting up a storm with CommieKitty. He's a good sniper, even if he often allows the other team to take possession of it. He's pretty competent in a vehicle, as he is often racking up kills in a Banshee or a Ghost. He is easily the Clan-hoppingest Whore there ever was, even putting the infamous Reaper to shame.

GodDuck: *resists the urge to omit him completely* Where to begin? Easily the worst person to ever drive a warthog. He'll run you over, run you down, run into you, run you into a rock, or a tree, and may even run you straight into a wall or off a cliff. He's contantly in your way no matter the circumstance, but he's nowhere to be found when you might need an extra gun. If he's not in your way, then he's apart from the team altogether....more than likely shooting at rocks. He has a general lack of motivation to play, and when he does, he pays little attention to what he is doing. He will return an enemy flag to it starting position after you killed an entire team just to get it out of their base. The sad part of all this is simply: HE WAS AN AMAZING HALO 1 PLAYER!!! I hate you Todd.

Dunbar79: If there is anyone who bitches more than I do...it's Dunbar. Everyone is out to get him, and none of the weapons work for him. Despite his insistence that the shotgun is a useless hunk of scrap metal, he won't hesitate to pick it up and attempt to gun down an enemy at mid-range...while they are plastering him with battle rifle rounds. He runs at about 1/2 speed, and it's even worse if he is holding a bomb or flag. He often complains about not having decent weapons, when in fact, it's just that he doesn't go looking for them. He has not memorized even the original maps that were contained on the disc itself. He can often be found cowering inside a base avoiding the battle altogether...which is just where his teammates want him. The strange thing about it is the fact that he is excellent at Single Player Halo. If he can overcome the bitterness in his heart and the unwavering dissatisfaction in his very core, he will emerge from his veil of hatred and be a decent Halo player.

...full of hate.

I won't bother detailing the extraneous(word of the day) players in the clan, perhaps when they become more active...but they include: Ronnie06, MrGuardo, FroggieZ, KillaKay47, and Edible Mustache

That being said...it bring me to the final member of the clan...

UncleHerpie: Recently deemed "The Thin Brown Line" He is often the last line of defense in the majority of objective games such as Assault and Capture the Flag. While he has become adept at mid-range battle-rifling, he often reverts to his trusty dual-wielding weapon combo, of the SMG/Plasma Rifle variety. A good all-around player, who always gets the shit-end of the stick...y grenade. A constant complainer who feels it necessary to share his pain via the "white button" for all to hear. He is constantly badgering random sucky players that he is forced to team with. He lives up the moniker "The Thin Brown Line of Defense" because if you see that he's the only one in the base and his icon is flashing yellow and red you had better believe that some SHIT is about to go down.

Learn it, love it, and accept it as truth.

-UncleHerpie-

Last Shenanigans dating tips... Vol 3: Adorable

2005-08-10T03:51:00.000-05:00

In the past most dating tips have been rather one sided, leaning more towards the abusive man and not the... cuddley man. Here I have devised an all new guide for such man to court young mistresses as they dance and play through the wonders of modern day society, while keeping safe and STD free of course.

1. If you find yourself attracted to a lady dont hesistate to approach her, chat with her, become friends, nay! Acquaintances! Be sure to sound and act confident, as women love confidence... almost as much as they love... flowers.

2. Bring your sweety some beautiful flowers, real flowers not plastic ones. You want to avoid women who like plastic. Make sure their flowers smell sweeter than a thousand honeybees. Ladies like their flowers to smell as nice as possible when they have company over. So you should learn to like the smell of flowers too. Awwww.

3. First dates are always tough you can never be too careful about how you act. Try to stay on your best behavior. Take her out to a movie. Most women don't like going on movies for a first date, but they'll agree to go because they know your a man and your poor little brain can't think of much else, and they forgive you. Thanks ladies.

4. Dates don't always go as planned though, maybe you picked the wrong girl for you. Or maybe shes a little too "in charge". Not to worry, another benefit of going to the movie's is that the movies are also an easy place to slip out of unnoticed. Exits are located at the exit signs, under the exit lights, near the exits.

5. If all goes well in a few days you'll be heading to meet the parents. Don't worry pal, I've got you covered.

-Fathers come in two varieties:

A. The uncaring dad whos busier with his work to care if his daughters late, and we're not talking 11p.m. late.

We're talking LATE

B. The over caring dad, who in the secret of night follows you in his volvo. Either way Fathers are usually very easy to warm up to, as they also are shallow men. Check out the fridge find out what beer he likes, buy him a pack and convince him he should hang out with the guys more. Matter of fact dad... what do you think the guys are doing right now? Probably smelling your families flowers. Tee hee!

Mom's are another case: While they are female just like your lovely lady Mom's tend to (but not always) be an older woman frustrated with a family she didn't want and a husband who spends too much time drinking and hanging out with his friends.

This my friends, is what we've been training for.

Try to get some alone time with mom, get to know her see if shes happy with her life as a dirty old housemaid. Most women aren't, but they do it anyways. Why? who knows, we don't do it.

If she appears to be longing for something else you may be in buisness, this woman could feel so lonely and unloved she'd be willing to give some guy all the head he can eat and never ask for anything in return. Start off with small signs letting her know your interested, a good ice breaker goes something like "So Mrs. Peterson, do you like dick in your mouth?" Gauge her reaction carefully but don't fret, a woman in her mid 40's with a husband like that could only have a thirst for one thing. Semen.

6. A few days later your "girlfriend" might come calling you wanting an explination and accusating you of irrational actions. Simply stay calm, and tell the bitch to make you some tortellini with wild mushrooms and green garlic. If she starts to sound overly rude (which most bitches do) feel free to slap her around (open fist, as a warning shot) let her know whos boss, who paid for that shitty fucking movie? Thats right son, you did. Fuck her ass up.

7. If all goes well she'll call the police and they'll ask you how you ever put up with such a whiny hoe-snatch. They'll remove you just to shut her the fuck up and after that your free. You may have the issue of her stalking you... calling you... pulling all that still being in love. Whatever you do, don't beat her anymore. Unfortunatly at this point kicking her ass only makes her more obsessed. Just tell her you love her too and you need some cash to get your act straight.

Rinse, Repeat

What could it hurt...

2005-08-10T03:23:00.000-05:00

Evan told me not to show this to spears awhile back and I just remembered...

to show it to spears!

OOOO

thought I was gonna set myself up for some flaming didn't you...?

Not yet

But soon!

2005-08-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

I've recently discovered the Google Earth program. It's pretty sweet. It shows satellite imagery of pretty much anywhere on the planet. I've been to Venice, Tokyo, Beijing, Moscow...and many more. I re-visited my Hawaian vacation spots, and even E-spyed on a number of people as a result of finding the program.

If you wish to give me your address, I can try and pinpoint you. I've gotten a few people already.

Also, does anyone here in the MA area want to actually DO something? Something, I dunno, maybe OUTSIDE! Baseball? Softball? Water-sports...(hehehe)? Any ideas...A cookout even! C'mon you fuckers, get with the program!

Not Funny At ALL...

2005-08-02T17:31:00.000-05:00

Y'know, not everything I do is comical in nature...You wanted another paper, so here it is, but I warn you, it's not very funny. Or is it?

The Monitor vs. The Merrimac

One of the greatest, and most historic naval battles in the history of mankind, would have to be the famous duel between the Monitor and the Merrimac. This is an important battle, because it was the first time there had been a continuous head to head battle between two opposing ironclad warships. This sparked a new era in naval technology, when it was discovered that ironclad ships were more effective in battle. Although they were not built for speed, and they were not very sea-worthy (most often being towed by a tugboat), they were virtually invincible against the old wooden ships. This battle was the main naval battle in the Civil War. It marked one of the greatest northern victories of the war, attracting much foreign attention.

The Merrimac’s plans were first drawn up by Lieut. John M. Brooke and naval ship constructor John L. Porter, in 1861. The iron plates that were used to protect the ships sides, were prepared at Tredegar Iron Works in Richmond, VA. Like most new ships in that period of history, the Merrimac was powered by steam, not sail. However, most of the warships of the day were still completely made of wood. This now gave the South a distinct advantage over the ships in the far greater navy of the Union.

When word of this breakthrough reached Washington, even though the South was trying to keep the ship a secret, plans were immediately drawn up to build an ironclad vessel of their own, to aid in the defense of the Northern navy. When the contract was made in October of 1861, to construct the ship in New York City, the Union Navy Department intended the ship to be sea-worthy in 100 days. It was supposed to, after reaching Hampton Roads, proceed up the Elizabeth River to the Navy Yard at Norfolk. When there, it was to destroy the dry-dock and the unbuilt Merrimac. But, as history tells us, nothing is ever built on time when your dealing with the Federal Government. The ship did not meet it’s completion deadline, weeks passed on, and still the Monitor was not ready.

The designer of this ship, John Ericsson, made it raft-like in appearance. From bow to stern, it was 172 feet long. From port to starboard, it was 41 feet wide. It drew approximately 10 feet of water. All the machinery, equipment, and the 58 man crew, were below the waterline. The hull was sharp at both ends, which allowed for easier maneuverability. In the center of the deck, was a large gun turret, 20 feet in diameter, and ten feet high. The turret was a revolving, bomb-proof fort. A spur wheel moved by a double cylinder engine, turns the turret. It mounts two 11 inch guns, which are turned with the turret. The turret was reinforced by 8 inch thick iron walls. At the front of the ship, was a small pilothouse. It rose 4 feet above the deck, and was made of heavy iron logs that were bolted together. There was only a narrow slit for visibility. Towards the rear of the ship, twin smoke-stacks rose above the afterdeck. Because the stacks were retractable, they offered no target during combat.

On the contrast, the Merrimac, was about 90 feet longer, had room in it’s hull, which drew 22 feet of water. It held a 320 man crew, in addition to the machinery and supplies. In appearance, above the water, it looked like a giant turtle with a large round chimney protruding from it’s shell. The ironclad shield was pierced by ten gun ports the largest guns being designed for 9 inch shells. It had a cast iron bow, weighing 1500 pounds, used for the sole purpose of ramming an enemy ship. The Southern strategy, was to involve the destruction of all ships, and ports in the area.

After wiping a path of destruction through the Union defenses, the Merrimac directed itself towards one ship inparticular, The Minnesota. The Monitor, after a long voyage, pressed on towards the battle, had a goal which was to engage the Merrimac as far away from the Minnesota as possible. No one knew what the outcome of the impending battle between these two ironclad monsters would be. Even the crew of the Monitor was skeptical of the outcome. The crew was very tired from the long and strenuous voyage, hardly getting any sleep, the ship was almost wrecked twice because of treacherous seas, and the Monitor’s efficiency in combat was yet to be proven. Nevertheless, the Monitor engaged the Merrimac in battle. The crew members of the Merrimac were amazed how effectively the Monitor’s defenses were warding off all shots brought upon it by them. In a desperation attempt, the Merrimac turned towards the Monitor, and shot forward directly at it. The Monitor had no time to completely move from the path of the oncoming ironclad monster. Because of the Merrimac’s poor steering capabilities, it only took a glancing blow off the stern or the Monitor, having no effect on it what-so-ever. As the Merrimac continued in that direction, the Monitor could not follow because the river was to shallow in that area. Soon after, the Merrimac was back for more, and the fight continued. Because of a mishap that occurred, involving the commander, the Monitor was ordered to “sheer off”. The commander thought the pilot house was damaged or destroyed. He was in the pilot house at the time, and was blinded by a bright light, and gun powder. After the crew realized the mistake, they quickly resumed the battle. Now, the fight was in deeper waters, the Merrimac was severely leaking because of the attempt to ram the Monitor, the crew was tired from two days of continuous fighting, and the waves were threatening to ground the vessel, and prevent it from taking off. The Merrimac was in desperate need of repairs, and discontinued the battle. When the commander of the Monitor was sure the Merrimac was not to return, he told the crew to go up to the deck. It was cluttered with ash, soot, and powder. the crew began to cheer on account of the Union victory. It was now official, Commodore Franklin Buchannan of the Merrimac, has lost to Lieutenant John L. Worden of the Monitor.

News of this victory reached all over the world, and sparked a new interest in naval technology. Britain began building ironclad warships, as well as France, Spain, and Germany. This battle effected the war greatly, at the very least, it served as a morale boost for the North. However, it could also be a morale booster for the South, because they took out so many ships of the far superior navy of the Union. What do you think?

*makes fart noise* "Excuse me."

Memoirs of High School (pt.2)

2005-07-29T17:39:00.000-05:00

Well peepsies...if you've felt the magic, and you've heard the roar...Check out THIS utterly ridiculous short story...What the hell was I thinking?!...

An Ass to the Second Power…

Beyond the puny existence of mere mortal men, there reigns a donkey. Yet he is no ordinary donkey, he has a wisdom greater than that of a bowl of corn-flakes, and is surrounded by a mystical aura so powerful, that he is recognized as a cosmic being of unlimited power. His true name is unknown to all under him. He is known only as “OOOO!”. He was appointed High-overseer of the known universe, by the all-powerful MOO, guardian of eternity, all that exists, has existed, and ever will exist. OOOO! took his job very seriously. Sitting upon his throne atop a mountain of fetid asses, he surveys the known Universe with a watchful eye.

Every 4000 years, the unbearable need for power would plague his very essence. On this journey, he would need to acquire sustenance. There were only two things that would appease his craving: the remaining energy of dying stars to satisfy his lust for power, and the wonderful taste of cheese, the sole source of his actual diet.. The stellar energy would be absorbed through every pore in his body. The more energy he obtained, the more powerful he would become. However, there still remained the “Hunger”. After consuming mass quantities, and various flavors of the delicious and often porous substance known as cheese, he would once again sit atop his throne, in a satisfied sense of omnipotence. For a period of about 500 years after the journey, his all-powerful stomach would bulge and become gaseous. This period of time was the “Galactic Flatulation Period”.(and you thought solar flares were bad!) This, contrary to the majority of scientific theories, was the event that both created and destroyed galaxies and their respective Solar Systems across the span of known space.

As far as the events in the universe go, he would only interfere if he deemed it completely necessary. Most of the time, he would let things happen as they may, completely impartial to the hustle and bustle of lower beings. Most of the happenings in the universe were insignificant in the mind of the Great Donkey OOOO!.

Occasionally an intruder from another universe would challenge OOOO! Knowing his power to be far superior to that of his opponents, he would toy with them and make them think they were capable of overthrowing his rule. After he was thoroughly amused with his little game, he would turn around and give the “Cosmic Mule Kick” , sending his adversary into eternal nothingness of oblivion. During the periods of Galactic Flatulence, he would use to his advantage, the unstoppable power of the “Ass’ ass”. He would disperse the opponents atoms across the cosmos. Surly, an ass to the second power, cannot be stopped.

Although he was a cosmic being, he did have his weaknesses. Most of them, however, were unrevealed to anyone except Moo. One of these faults was the fact that he tended to overlook the insignificant things in the Universe(humans included). Knowing this, a young farmer named Samud Nave decided to take advantage of this particular flaw. Samud needed fertilizer for his farm. None of his crops were growing correctly. His wife, formerly known as Gillian Anderson, was becoming very angry because she and their 97 children were running out of food. They didn’t have meat or vegetables because the cattle were not getting proper nutrients, hence not adequately fertilizing the soil rich enough for the crops to grow. And what better fertilizer than cosmic POO. His plan was to get some of the highly potent and omnipotent poo of OOOO! If he was going to do it, it was the perfect time; during one of the “Galactic Flatulation” periods.

One thing still bothered Samud, How the @#$%& would he get to the Mountain of Fetid Asses? Knowing that long distance space travel hadn’t been invented yet, he began to think. He spent approximately 3 months thinking, all the while, his family becoming more and more hungry with every passing moment. Apparently all this thinking and waiting had driven all of them crazy, because when Samud finally came up with a solution, it came out somewhat like this: “I’ve done it! I know how to get his attention, I will destroy most of the known world and make him come to meeeeeeeeeeee! AH HA HA HA HA AH!!!!!!!” At that point his whole family started cheering “Dad is great, he give us the chocolate cake!” Now, to normal people, that statement would make absafrigginloutely no sense, but you must remember, they were dreadfully insane.

Samud went to the nearest Nuclear Missile Silo, and with his phenomenal intelligence, broke in, and secured control. He then hid in a safe bunker, and with his remote launch capability, fired 175 nukes at various World Powers. So as to go out in a blaze of glory, the other countries then fired their own nukes. When all was said and done, Samud emerged from his bunker with a smirk. Then he realized that all the life on the planet Earth was gone. Naturally the Great OOOO! came down to Earth to confront Samud. He asked only one word, WHY?! With great exasperation Samud related his amazing story feeling mighty proud of himself. When OOOO! explained that now he had no family to provide for, no farm, no people to trade crops with, no animals left on earth to fertilize anything, and with the sun blotted out by the impending nuclear winter..no hope of growing crops to begin with. Samud replied only with “D-OH......”

Samud grew hungry and was exposed to excessively high degrees of radiation. Needless to say, he died an agonizing and painful death. From under the crust of the seemingly lifeless planet, the ground began to stir, and billions upon billions of cockroaches emerged. Being the only species on Earth able to withstand the high levels of radiation, they then took over the world. Viva la cucaracha!

Memoirs of High School...

2005-07-28T01:12:00.000-05:00

Do I need to go into how pathetic the whole education system is? No, perhaps not, I would however like to bring this to your attention...

The following is one of many papers I wrote in High School. Most of which for a class called "Mythology and Modern Literature." Normally, you'd think this would be a really cool class. However, this class was "taught" my a woman known as Ms. Buckley aka "The Foot". The reason for this was because her right foot was enlarged with a tumor or rolls of fat, or god knows what...at any rate, it didn't fit correctly into her shoe, and spilled over the sides. I believe John refers to her as "shoe-loaf"...ewww... She is perhaps the stupidest person I have ever met...and yet she was responsible for teaching impressionable young adults. This is the lady that told me that "integral" was not the correct word to use in a sentance showing importance, but merely a word used in mathmatics in reference to integers. At any rate, this is a paper that I actually passed in, more than likely for a good grade. It went right over her head, which really...is just sad.

The Many Tales of Sir Gunther: Slayer of the evil C-Men

I woke up early this morning as I looked around, my world came crumblin’ down. What I saw I couldn’t believe. “Who are you? What might I be?”

“Wait a minute, who is this woman beside me?” I thought to myself… At that very moment I feared I was a man trapped in a woman’s body. No wait… a woman! Perhaps a lesbian! As I had previously been dreaming of the unequaled form of the nude female body. “NO! That can’t be right either”, I thought to myself. I must be a one-legged street mime, the very mime who has been terrorizing the city with his inept ability to make urban dwellers carpool with the wrong people, each of which going to different locations.

“Well, I am off to my daily duties.” I threw on my glistening night coat, put on the Gauntlets of Elasticity, which I often found to be too tight, and impenetrable mukluks are slid gently over my stockings. It was another day of slaying the evil minions of E. Jack and his loyal servants the “C-Men”. “Still no man has come to clash swords with me on this fine day. E. Jack, you’re late!! Come and face me, thou dirtiest of the C-Men.” A man silently walked by caressing a one eyed snake. I went to pet it, but it reared up and bared its enlarged head. At that moment, the man gave a bellowing yell, convulsing, as E. Jack sprung forth from the eye with many of his minions following so close they seemed to be as one, yet they came in spurts. Immediately without hesitance, I released the Enchanted Cloth of SMYR from my satchel. With that I wiped out many of E. Jack’s soldiers, but E. Jack had already fled. I knew that he would come more often and with greater forces of C-Men.

I retired to my humble abode. Nestled myself in the padded berth above my basket factory, and as I dosed off, the thoughts of E. Jack and the evil he can bestow upon unprotected, innocent youth faded from my mind.

A psycho driver twisted in my head, silence broken, but there is nothing said. I got a nightmare from a fantasy. “Will the voices ever set me free? I can hear them, I can hear them, someone wake me when it is over. I can see them, I can see them, I can see them over and over again.” I saw it happening like deja-vu. They tried to tell me, but they couldn’t get through. In my head, I hear the voices scream. “I need someone to tell me what it means.............”

“What is this? A rhyme? Perhaps there is a method to my madness. Though I doubt it, I have been this way for many a day and many a night.” Then came a rumbling, no a ringing, possibly a summoning from the almighty lord. “Gunther, we need your help. There was a big party last night and the floors can prove it.” I took this as a plea and proceed to help my lord in distress.

I walk in with the same garb as the previous morn. Expecting to see E. Jack, I ready myself for battle. With E. Jack nowhere in sight, I removed from the castle, the decrepit husks of the mighty C-Men. It was as if they had dried up overnight…Stuck to whatever they spent their last earthly moments on. Yet at that moment, an elder, who often visits the castle, by name of Dr. Jonda P. Nizstroka produced a larger snake than ever was seen in my day. Bellowing and moaning came deep from within his lungs, and E. Jack came forth bearing greater numbers of his henchmen. Still on my guard, I deployed the Enchanted Cloth of SMYR, and with one swipe annihilated the C-Men. But where was E. Jack? A noise in the distance, “You can destroy my C-Men, but I, E. Jack, will live on to the end of existence.”

Tired, I trudged back to my shelter of solitude. Now all I can do is wait, for today is the day that The Loyal Knights of the Unwavering Cardigans to come take me away. All the while, thinking to myself, “There were no E. Jack-ulations today! I have done well.”

I'll have a couple more to show you, but first, I want you to soak that one in...

UncleHerpie

Fuck the Week

2005-07-19T13:31:00.000-05:00

Guess what bitches? I don't feel like racking my brain to come up with ways for you to be like me. So, instead...I'm just going to bitch/comment on things.

Who amongst you has seen the Fantastic Four movie? As such, how was it? Leave comments, and I'll make my decision to actually see it or not. I've heard that it's o.k., and I've heard that it can suck the balls clean off a donkey. At any rate, this comes courtesy of http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com

LIFE:

Man, all this doing stuff really takes it's toll. I had almost forgotten what it was like to use the muscles in my body that aren't required to get me out of a chair or to lift food into my face. Helping people move, hitting the Driving Ranges and the Batting Cages, tearing up/fitting/and laying down carpet on an enclosed outside patio in 90 degree weather, playing catch, cleaning koi ponds and lifting/moving fish tanks...all in a matter of a couple days. I think I've sweat more this week, than in the last 6 months combined.

WRESTLING:

Looks like Matt Hardy is making his presence felt again. He's showed up twice on Raw, interfering with the whole Kane/Lita/Edge fiasco. Not quite sure where this one is heading, but it has me interested, which is more than I can say for MOST of the Wrestling scene right now. One thing I'm really looking forward to is the impending return of Brock Lesnar. In my opinion, which is pretty much gospel at this point, he is sorely needed. He is the full package..he's got the look, the attitude, and the straight up skills to be at the top of the mountain again. He never should have left in the first place, but that is water under the bridge as far as I'm concerned. Hopefully the WWE won't fuck it up and have him feud with Nunzio or some shit...For Fuck's sake, he needs to feud with Ba-friggin-tista.

FISH:

Well folks, there's some bad news too. I have to get rid of 3 of my fish tanks. Tanks in which a lot of time, money and effort went into. My landlord had a sudden panic attack as to how safe the tanks are. I've had them for months without any issues, but I gotta do what the boss man says. Sadly, I'm breaking down my first and only saltwater tank. I'm gonna all the stuff in Andrew's tank that we set up tonight, so it'll be an amalgamation of his and my stuff. The majority of the tank will be his, but at least I'll have access to my two remaining fish "Mellow Yellow" and "Purple Nurple", my crab "Crabob", my starfish, my sea squirt, and my live rock. Crabab on the other hand is going directly into the atlantic ocean, whatever happens, happens...unless Todd wants him. I also have to break down my breeder tank, with all 7 bajillion babies that I've bred, I have no idea where the crap all these will go. Finally, my South American Cichlid tank has to go...which includes my Oscar, Flowerhorn, Convict, Pictus Cat, TriMac, and Jack Dempseys. Thankfully, I get to keep my African Cichlid tank going and my Brackish tank. These are the ones that have received the most effort. They are also the largest of the tanks. Don't ask... I'm trying to get my mother to inherit my South American tank...I'm hoping she comes around...I'm offering free maintenence to ease the transition.

ANIME:

We started watching Trigun again, as Affie had never seen it. With 2 episodes to go, I'm reminded of how bad-ass of a series it truly is. Eclipsed only by the almighty Bebop, which I'm hoping will be the next series to be relived. Also on tap is the redux of Hellsing. No, not VAN Helsing...*mumble*fuckin' swinging bastard...*mumble* "If you're ever in trouble, just swing from something, there's bound to be a vine, or a chain, or a random rope tied to the tallest possible structure or branch in the immediate vicinity" Fuck, that movie sucked...and I'm pretty lenient on films...The fucking cartoon that takes place before the movie was 3 times as good. I mean Frankenstien's monster was a reincarnated corpse with minimal cerebral activity, not a ...I don't know...."Retard Scholar"....Anyway, HELLSING is about a vampire hunting agency based on the legend of the actual Van Helsing family, the kick of it is that they employ a vampire named Alucard(spell it backwards) to do the actual vampire/night creature hunting. Biting and lip-licking ensues.

That's all fer t'day kiddies, and remember:

"Don't cut carpet on top of a garden hose..."

You know you love it...

2005-07-14T12:13:00.000-05:00

Up for the highest/sexiest bidder:

1 male human
approx. 6'3"
weighing in at just about 180Lbs.
in good shape, but still a fixer-upper
slightly balding
chipped front tooth
extra hole in ass(although scarred)
generic sense of style
quick wit/goofy comedy style
average penis size (serious bidders can get exact measurements)
size 14-16 shoe(depending on brand)
enjoys both athletic and intellectual things including:

comics/collectibles
movies
books
electronics
anime
baseball
football
reptiles
fish
drawing
being a dink
digital photography
grilling things and eating them
flexing in the mirror
and the nude female body

Any of this float your boat? Let me know!

Place all bids in the comment section. Anonymous bidders are not allowed, and will be deleted. Preferably female bidders only, but I'm willing to negotiate for the right price.

-UncleHerpie-

Of The Week...

2005-07-08T20:41:00.000-05:00

Alright, you cock-ay-asses!

Movie(s): The Godfather Trilogy

Sports Player: Johnny Damon - keep those hits coming!

Fish: O.B. Peacock - mostly because it has the word "cock" in it...

Food: The Steak Bomb

Once again, I am injury plagued...I somehow managed to pull my lower back while bending over to pick up a baseball. That's it. It wasn't even a difficult maneuver...but it hurt like a bastard. And on a particularly brilliant move on my part, I agreed to help Andrew move 4 fish tanks on the day following the pull...That was not so comfortable. It was also a miserable, wet-ass, rainy, bullshit of a day. The lady we were moving for thought it would be a good idea to drive up on her front lawn with Andrew's rear-wheel drive van...in the rain...over a muddy mulched area...between two trees. Wouldn't cha know it, it got stuck! I won't bore you with the tedious details..with the slipping...and the hitting trees...and the crushing bushes..and all that jazz. In light of these events, I've been taking it easy for a couple days, so I can hopefully heal up in time for the next activity of mine.

To make things even MORE enjoyable...I apparently neglected to pay my cable/internet bill. SO I am without BOTH cable and internet. I am actually writing this at Andrew's house. Let me tell you, it is remarkably boring without these luxuries. I have however, gooten my read on as of late. Which I suppose is a good thing. Whatever did they do back in the days of old? You know, like the 70's... Those people had to actually go to a store to get their porn...or fuck...whichever was easier...Come to think of it...damn...I wish I grew up in the 70's...

I made a badass music video, and I've been trying to have it hosted somewhere, but I'm getting a lot of guff from putfile.com. It keeps getting it messed up with some bull-riding video. I have like the first 6 seconds of the video...but that doesn't do anyone any good...As soon as I can, I'll have a link to it here. Till then, I can e-mail a 7mb version to anyone who wishes to see it...and you should.

Suck my balls, suck my ass...and suck my kiss!

U-Herp.

All Hail Adam..Queen of Bitchery!

2005-07-04T23:29:00.000-05:00

For those of you wondering what it's like to actually speak to Adam(Dunbar79)...I have the following for you:

Adam98PC (11:37:00 PM): does halo seriously have variable damage?
UncleHerpie (11:37:06 PM): ahhahaha
Adam98PC (11:37:43 PM): it would certainly explain a lot, but jesus fucking christ...
UncleHerpie (11:37:54 PM): it's not that big of a deal
Adam98PC (11:38:37 PM): I dunno, I know people complain about cheating in halo, but you would think it would be worse in a pc game
Adam98PC (11:38:44 PM): take battlefield for example
UncleHerpie (11:38:51 PM): you don't play enough to know the imbalances
Adam98PC (11:39:04 PM): I have far more bullshit happen to me in halo than battlefield
Adam98PC (11:39:17 PM): I just dont play when you play, I have been playing a bit more lately
UncleHerpie (11:39:29 PM): still not enough
Adam98PC (11:40:02 PM): I have been complaining about the bs in this game since day one, I dont think you need to play that often to run into it
UncleHerpie (11:40:54 PM): yeah, but it's like the difference between night and day now that the update hapened
Adam98PC (11:41:33 PM): when you say update, u mean when they restarted the rankings?
UncleHerpie (11:41:58 PM): yeah, and they had an auto-update to fix bug's n' such
Adam98PC (11:42:38 PM): I've probably played more since the update than I did before it
UncleHerpie (11:42:48 PM): where they changed the balance of certain weapons
UncleHerpie (11:43:14 PM): for instance, I'm no longer completely useless on Midship
Adam98PC (11:43:51 PM): I hate midship
UncleHerpie (11:44:05 PM): as do I, but I hate it far less than I did
UncleHerpie (11:44:12 PM): now I hate Warlock
Adam98PC (11:44:27 PM): I hate midship less now only because I know where to find all the battle rifles
UncleHerpie (11:44:46 PM): how hard was THAT to figure out?!
UncleHerpie (11:45:01 PM): you have a strange issue about where things are
Adam98PC (11:45:11 PM): not very, but you apparantly managed to overestimate the amount of time I play
UncleHerpie (11:45:17 PM): just play the level by yourself, you'll find everything
UncleHerpie (11:45:44 PM): 2 seconds ago I was UNDERestimating how much you play!!! make up your mind!!!
UncleHerpie (11:46:12 PM): it only took me one walkthrough to know where everything was
Adam98PC (11:46:13 PM): I've played more since the update, hence I found the battlerifles and carbines
UncleHerpie (11:46:37 PM): they were there before the update as well
Adam98PC (11:46:46 PM): but I hardly played before
UncleHerpie (11:47:08 PM): you should only have to play through a couple times to know everything
Adam98PC (11:47:34 PM): I never really bothered taking the tour of midship by myself
UncleHerpie (11:47:44 PM): you can ask me any weapon on any mao, and I'll know where to get it
Adam98PC (11:47:58 PM): you cant find everythign in a real match cuz the good weapons are frequently taken
Adam98PC (11:48:10 PM): good for you, some of us have jobs and cant play 20 hours a day
UncleHerpie (11:48:18 PM): well, then you go look for somehting else
UncleHerpie (11:48:29 PM): but you should at least know where they got the weapons from
UncleHerpie (11:48:44 PM): I play probably 3 hours on a good day
UncleHerpie (11:49:01 PM): and I don't play anywhere close to everyday
UncleHerpie (11:49:23 PM): but I knew where everything was, way back in Nov. when I bought the game
Adam98PC (11:49:51 PM): I'll repeat, some of us have jobs and dont have time to dick around in halo maps finding shit
Adam98PC (11:50:07 PM): I'm guessing you played a lot more then than you do now
UncleHerpie (11:50:09 PM): you have no excuse
UncleHerpie (11:50:23 PM): maybe a little
UncleHerpie (11:51:02 PM): and ther eare plenty of people who have jobs, that still play halo, AND know where the weapons are
UncleHerpie (11:51:20 PM): you must just be too slow to get to them in time
UncleHerpie (11:51:45 PM): it's not like they are hidden
Adam98PC (11:52:01 PM): I also have other shit to do with what little spare time I have than play video games
UncleHerpie (11:52:09 PM): that's not the point
UncleHerpie (11:52:21 PM): there are plenty of other things I do with my day
UncleHerpie (11:52:30 PM): and I DID have a job when this game came out
Adam98PC (11:55:08 PM): you manage to sqeeze it in
Adam98PC (11:55:16 PM): you cant argue that you play far more than I do
UncleHerpie (11:55:23 PM): I'm not trying to
UncleHerpie (11:55:40 PM): all I'm saying is that you SHOULD know where the weapons are
Adam98PC (11:56:31 PM): and I'm saying that I didnt necessarily know where all the weapons were/are because I dont play the game as much
UncleHerpie (11:57:05 PM): with how much you HAVE played, you SHOULD know
Adam98PC (11:57:53 PM): depends on what I'm doing when I'm playing...I am typically actually playing, not dicking around learning weapon locations
UncleHerpie (11:57:58 PM): you have 850 logged games
Adam98PC (11:58:16 PM): I just checked and it had me at 171
UncleHerpie (11:58:25 PM): that is AFTER the update
UncleHerpie (11:58:45 PM): you have 34 pages, each with 25 games
UncleHerpie (11:58:58 PM): minus a couple on the last page
Adam98PC (11:59:21 PM): ok, now how many do you have total?
Adam98PC (11:59:28 PM): nevermind that
Adam98PC (11:59:44 PM): point being, when I play, I am actually playing, not running around a level by myself
UncleHerpie (11:59:45 PM): more than 850
Adam98PC (11:59:51 PM): and especially not running around midship
Adam98PC (12:00:09 AM): which brings us back to the problem of weapons frequently being taken when you are actually playing
UncleHerpie (12:00:15 AM): you don't HAVE to be running around, that was merely a suggestion as to HOW to find things
Adam98PC (12:00:27 AM): and it makes it rather difficult to learn weapon locations when the weapon isnt actually there, doesnt it?
UncleHerpie (12:00:48 AM): it can't possibly be taken every single time you play
UncleHerpie (12:00:58 AM): depending on where you spawn
UncleHerpie (12:01:08 AM): just commit them one by one to memory
Adam98PC (12:01:47 AM): the problem was largely midship
UncleHerpie (12:01:51 AM): and for the record, I have 2850 games
Adam98PC (12:02:24 AM): and of course, the sniper rifle on containment
Adam98PC (12:02:27 AM): which is a new map
Adam98PC (12:02:34 AM): that I never play
UncleHerpie (12:02:37 AM): and I knew it on day 1
Adam98PC (12:02:47 AM): because I get lagged out of it every time it comes up
UncleHerpie (12:02:50 AM): you were there on day 1, while we were exploring it
Adam98PC (12:03:11 AM): no I wasnt
UncleHerpie (12:03:14 AM): it's user error on this particular instance I'm afraid
UncleHerpie (12:03:20 AM): yes you were
UncleHerpie (12:03:24 AM): I remember it
Adam98PC (12:03:34 AM): I was going to bed at a reasonable hour while you were waiting in line like a tool to get the game at midnight
UncleHerpie (12:03:42 AM): no, you fuck
Adam98PC (12:03:44 AM): and the following day I was at work while you were playing
UncleHerpie (12:03:49 AM): I'm talking about Containment
Adam98PC (12:04:05 AM): I downloaded those maps and didnt touch them for almost a week
UncleHerpie (12:04:25 AM): you were on the map when you down;oaded it, and I was there
UncleHerpie (12:05:11 AM): and the ammount of time you've spent arguing with me about it, you could have walked around each level and found everything
UncleHerpie (12:05:28 AM): or I could have told you where things are
UncleHerpie (12:05:40 AM): or even shown you, as I am logged in right now
UncleHerpie (12:05:46 AM): althoguh not playing
Adam98PC (12:06:22 AM): but I didnt plan on arguing, I just mentioned that I hate midship slightly less than I used to and you had to be a cocksucker
UncleHerpie (12:06:29 AM): hahaha
Adam98PC (12:07:00 AM): so congrats on knowing all the weapon locations in halo faster than I did evan, whatever it takes to make you feel better about yourself
UncleHerpie (12:07:20 AM): whatever you say...slow-ass
Adam98PC (12:07:47 AM): harrass bungie for it, I bet they have variable walking speeds as well
Adam98PC (12:07:49 AM): motherfuckers
UncleHerpie (12:10:24 AM): good lord

Hacker's PM Transcript

2005-07-04T15:39:00.000-05:00

Check out this little bitch. His name is Woodie47, and he was brought to my attention on the Bungie.net forums. If you review his game data, you will find countless "unreliable stats" As he is a notorious hacker. Without going into detail as to how much a piece of shit he actually is...I compiled the following transcript of or little "discussions." It is astounding, the mindset of these little bastards. Somehow, these freshly pubed little boys find it entertaining to simply muck with other people, rather than play and enjoy the game for what it is. FUN.

Bitch-boys text will appear in RED.

UncleHerpie:

< sarcasm > Wow! You must be awesome! I mean to have ALL those people quit out in ALL those games, that's quite a feat That must have really been tons of fun... < /sarcasm >

cheater.

-----------------------------
Woodie47:

< sarcasm >Your really really good and guess what i bet you could beat me< sarcasm >

screw youself.

-----------------------------

Check your grammar...OH! and you forgot to close your < sarcasm > tag. There are plenty of websites with simple html protocol. You may want to check them out!

hacker.

------------------------------

You know your a -blam!- -blam!-, right! You have no life becasue you want to get good at a VIDEO GAME! Get a life! And don't correct me -blam!-.

-----------------------------

It isn't a matter of being good or not...it's a matter of NOT CHEATING. You are the one who needed to get to a 45 in Team Slayer. And how did you do this? By making other people's gaming experiences miserable, that's how.

For the record, I'll correct who(m)ever I damned well please.

fraud.

-----------------------------

Hey, -blam!-!

I could give a rats ass about you being good at halo, and MAYBE being better than me, which I highly dought, becasue you know when it all comes down to it, it's all a matter of how far I can shove my foot up you ass!

Oh, and another thing you might want to get your facts straight and maybe even do a little researching before you want to try and tell someone off, OK!

If you actaully want to get good at a video game which will prove absoluty nothing in life, then go right a head, and I hope you have a jolly good time doing it.

And for the record, you will NOT correct who(m)ever you damned well please, BITCH!

---------------------------

Ha ha ha...you are just BEGGING for corrections on THAT one....but I'll let them be. I never claimed to be a great player, I merely claimed that you were a hacker. Feel free to prove me wrong.

My life goals don't include becoming great at a video game, but I would like to enjoy my time while playing them. Unfortunately, people like you are running rampant on xbox live, making it difficult to do so. Perhaps you should stick to split-screen games. That way you could cheat to your heart's content. And there's always Dance Dance Revolution...you could show off your incredible skills at the arcade, for everyone to see!

As much as I love winning these little arguments of ours...if it's all the same to you, I'd like to make this the last of our "conversations". As, I have wasted enough of my time just to tell you that you are a:

sham.

p.s. consider yourself corrected.

-------------------------

P.S. You need to get a life KID!!!!!!

------------------------

Whatever you say....junior.

------------------------

Thank you for -blam!-IN OFF!!!

------------------------

No prob. Bob...*cough*littlehackingbitch*cough*

-----------------------

Thank You.

Also, Congradulations on having NO LIFE!!!!!

-----------------------

The word is "Congratulations"

-blam!- corrected.

----------------------

asshole.

---------------------

hahahahaha!

Well, there you have it folks... I believe I can rest my case on this one.

...Of The Week

2005-07-03T00:56:00.000-05:00

Here I go again on my owwwwwnnnnnn...goin' down the only road I've ever knowwwwwnnnn....Like a drifter I was booooooooorn to walk alooooooooooonnnnne....singin' here I go again.....

MOVIE: War of the Worlds - we gave those alien motherfuckers the pinkeye...bitch!

ANIME: Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu - man, it was off the wall hysterical this week

BOOK: The Road to Underfall by Mike Jefferies - starts of kinda slow, but it's getting better.

MUSIC: Michael Duff - former lead singer of the band ChalkfarM

FOOD: Chork Pops - otherwise known as Pork Chops

Well, Andrew decided to take a whole other route with his fish tank, one which I fully endorse. He's packin' that bad mammajamma of a 180gal. aquarium with a dozen...you heard that right...A DOZEN Cyphotilapia Frontosa! I know you're all just as excited as I am...because you're pathetic and fish have become your life. But let's keep the intense outpouring of joy and happiness to a dull roar...it's 2:12 in the morning, and you might wake somebody up. Another benefit of him switching gears in the fish Dept. is that I, as usual, reap the benefits of his impulse decisions. I got some of my good ol' boys to come back home, along with some new additions to the Herpie-Homestead. Sounds great right? Well, unfortunately this is ME we are talking about, and things NEVER go my way. Let me iterate as to WHY this particular situation isn't so squeaky clean with soft and plumpy goodness. To begin with, I gave my big-boy Frontosa to Andrew to put in his tank of bad-asses. Here's the hitch...mine was such a badass, that it beat the living crap out of the nice-ass Frontosa that he already had in the tank. Everything seemed o.k. however, when the other Fronts went in the tank, as he had to dither up his agression. He also probably realized that he doesn't run the show. THAT, my friends is because Bubba Ho-Tep(that one's for you Todd...), a gigantic-ass mongoloid of a beastly looking Frontosa with a humongous lump on his head, obviously runs the show. Anyway, while we are dropping the fish off at MY house, I mistakenly drop a small Lamprologus Lelupi into my baby tank...where THEY proceed to kick the ever-loving ba-jeezus out of him. Thankfully, that situation settled down, and there has yet to be anymore agression. Overall, you'd think I made out for the day...but I didn't. Before I explain why, let me veer off for a sec, and let me tell you this:

My friend Eric is up from Texas, and he is hanging out with Adam. I call them up, and we decide to all go to see WAR OF THE WORLDS. Which is quite a feat, considering it's NOT a digital showing. I won't go into how Adam is the most opinoinatedly stubborn person on the face of this planet...or whatever planet those alien bastrads came from, and how basically getting him to do ANYTHING is a painstakingly brutal chore...no, I won't go into that. But, we arrived in good time, and for ONCE...got good seats. They didn't move the curtains back out all the way, so the movie looked a tad small on the big-ass screen, but by the middle of the movie, I had forgotten all about that. I won't ruin the movie, but suffice it to say, I thought it was pretty damn good. Adam....well....Adam is Adam, and I'm afraid there's nothing to be done about that. I'm not exactly sure what he was looking for in the movie...but apparently he didn't get it. Therefore, there is one clear answer for him..."Fucker." I had one of those giant buckets o' Mountain Dew, and had to piss like a Russian Race Horse about 3/4 of the way through the movie. I held it like any true man would, and then high-tailed it to the little boys room as soon as the credits began to roll. All in all, I'd say it was a pleasant experience, especially because Eric paid for the whole damn thing. BONUS!

O.k., now that that is done with..I'll go back to why the whole fish thing didn't work out. I arrived back home and decided to check on the fish situation...everyting looked fine. I gave all the freshwater fish a little food before "lights out" and went to go check on the Saltines. Immediately I notice that I'm a fish short, at least in view. I check on the floor around the tank to make sure I didn't have a "jumper", he wasn't anywhere to be found. So I begin looking IN the tank to see where he may have gone too and I notice that there is a hole in the net that I was segregating my appropriately named clown fish "Spot." So I began the inevitable moving and turning the rocks to see if he is hiding in them or any of the small caves that are formed between and inside them. And wouldn't cha know it, I found him!!....

...BEING DEVOURED BY MY CRAB!

So goes the neverending "shit-end-of-the-stickosity" that is my life. There is only one thing left to say.

Fuck you Crabab.

New Layout

2005-06-30T16:16:00.000-05:00

The Main Page will now only have a total of 15 posts, that should cut down the loading time for you "less than cable" interneters.

You'll also notice the traffic counter at the bottom of the sidebar. It is supposed to track unique visits, but it seems to be tallying them all up. Whatever, it just makes me look more popular.

Sidenote:

Nick's post looked a little drab, so I took the liberty of adding some pictures to illustrate what I though his points might be. Let me know if I was way off base.

hehehehehe

It's not my fault that

2005-06-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

1. I am overly handsome

2. Women, children and small forest creatures all flock around my presence

3. I'm so popular I don't need an introduction nor an invitation, and people are grateful just for me showing up to brighten their day

4. Hobo's realize their life long ambition as I pass by them and that quarter I give them is the first step to them becoming the next millionaire.

5. My goal in life is not to accumulate wealth but enjoy the world as much as I can and grace all I meet with a better understanding of why they should also be in love with themself.

6. I do not korrect my speling misstakes becuss I'm not turning this in to be graded and I know I have friends that will dedicate their time and muney to be fixing me mistakes, I wuv you guys.

7. People will sacrifice their own social standings to make me look better .

8. I have a strong laundry musk to me which is a highly researched smell that attracts women, happy children and forest creatures, but also smells almost disgusting to homosexuals.

9. Jesus finds me fascinating

I'm sure theres more, but I must go to work so I can brighten the days of every living soul in the beautiful town of braintree.

Peace love and happiness my friends. If you were all as great as I am there would be no suffering in the world.

Before we move on...

2005-06-29T17:07:00.000-05:00

This is great! I think Nick should start a blog called "Everyone Hates Nick". I'll be the first one to post. That being said, in an effort to divvy up the hatred, I'm going to give you an honest rip on everyone who visits this blog. NO pictures, NO graphs, just straight up roasting. Better baste yourselves thoroughly for this one...

Andrew/Andrewsky/Edible Mustache:

What can I say? He is simply the most screwed up person I know. He has more nuances than a Picasso painting. His lack of focus and overall frame of mind are so utterly frustrating that it is beyond words. He will drop you at the top of a hat, to go hang out with girls in the hopes of getting laid. He plays with fire more than anyone I have ever heard of. He is a supreme spend-a-holic in the first degree, and has more collections then a serial killer.

Nick/Last Shenanigan/Asshole:

You are a self-professed dick. You tend to be a clinger. You dress terribly. You value video games waaaaay to much. You have the worst diet of anyone I know. You can read any of the 336 thoughts on you on this blog to find other ways in which you are perceived. Contrary to what you believe, you are NOT more bearable than I or any one of the people in here. You lack a certain level of common sense as to how to conduct yourself. It DOES effect people that aren't as blase' as I am. Especially when you continue to make jack-ass comments during a movie. For Christ's sake, eat at home BEFORE you go somewhere, so as not to impose yourself on others.

John/Big Daddy Spears:

You need to take care of yourself more, for god's sake you struggle just getting up off my couch. The cigarettes tend to outweigh the cologne, but at least you have the decency to wear it. On that topic, please for the love of god, keep your shoes on in other people's presence. It smells like if a frito had sex with a rotting lump of gouda cheese. For awhile you were the most unmotivated person I knew, but you finally came out of it and have maintained the longest job you've ever had. You tend to exaggerate many of the stories from your/our past...even if it does make the story a little more interesting...

Affie(Aphrodites):

*cracks knuckles* You said it yourself....oblivious. Not that I can blame you, as you are "just another victim", but you don't HAVE to be so much like Andrew. Even I started going down the path to the darkside for awhile. Just know that you have him wrapped around YOUR finger almost as he has you wrapped up around his...er....finger.
Your sad devotion to fashion is kinda creepy. You do not need to get dressed to go hang out on someones couch. You wear too much makeup, even though people have repeatedly told you that you look better without it. You are too easily bent out of shape, and people(including me) have used that to their advantage. Also, you inferr too much in casual comments and conversation, often thinking that they are negative comments directed towards you.

Big Sista/Minerva/Anonymous:

You take things too seroiusly, anything that Nick or I say online in any form can be taken lightly. I don't know you well enough to comment on anything more.

Dian:

Where do I begin?! No, really...where do I begin? You are far to down on yourself. You have some self esteem issues that may need to be worked out. Just go ahead and develop a god complex like Nick and myself.

Mel(no, not that Mel...):

You love everything I do...and for that...I have nothing negative to say, as you have made the right choice.

Joe (Reaper):

Again, I don't know you well enough to comment much. So, other than the fact that you are a clan-hopping whore...I have nothing to say. I am looking forward to our first real argument.

Al:

You sit too much on the sidelines. You need to actively participate in more arguments, so people know where you stand. Also, take it easy on the school thing, you're gonna give yourself an ulcer. Pfffpptt...motivation...

Karissa:

You whine too much. Your displays of public affection with Nick are more disturbing than anything. Noone wants to view Nick in that manner...noone. From what I can gather, you don't have all that many female friends...perhaps you should make more of an effort to find some. Then you won't be subject to our "sword fights" as you put it. Everywhere Nick goes, you don't have to go...sometimes is really just IS a guy thing. You should also have some training wheels, as you tend to be a tad clumsy on your feet(alcohol?)

and finally...

Evan/UncleHerpie:

Your god complex knows no bounds. You are perhaps the most subtley stubborn person I know. You lack of caring tends to annoy other people, for a myriad of different reasons. You don't value your outward appearance as you should...with your free t-shirts, unshaven face, and overworn hats. Your lack of motivation has grown to new levels, as you have been unemployed for about 6 months just waiting for something to fall into your lap. You are broke as shit, and have let that sad fact dictate your way of life for far too long. You don't live up to your potential, by utilizing your skills and intelligence in a multitude of different aspects. You are a messy person by nature, mostly because of the fact that you are a procrastinator. "Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?" Your girlfriend left you for a guy named "Potatohead". At the same time, you lost your job...which really...just adds to the comedy of your life. You have the worst luck of anyone I've ever seen. If there is a shit end of the stick, you had better believe you are going to get it. How many OTHER people do you know that have gotten a ski in their ass? Fucker.

Well, there you have it folks...suck it.

suck it hard.

-UncleHerpie-

p.s. Todd, I omitted you on purpose.

A day early but I see a Smackdown coming on.

2005-06-29T16:20:00.000-05:00

Experience? Considering the source that’s fucking hysterical. I will grant you that you have never seen me out with a lady, but stop and think for a minute and ask yourself why the fuck I would take a lady out with that crew. But then take a second and think for a minute, what did Spears do all during college for work? (I am just referencing the working side of College here not the all night Kegger side of college, which in and of itself is a cornucopia of getting laid. I know you missed that part but ask around anyone and everyone gets laid at those. Even us fat folk.) Oh that’s right he was a bouncer and a bartender in DC. I reference several of the old Club Staff shirts I used to wear to death. But on the off chance someone from DC happens to stumble upon this post I will elaborate on where I worked. In 98 during my freshman year I started at Nation and continued there until 99 when they opened The Garage, which was the replacement for the Bayou, which had closed. The following year I moved over to the Adams Morgan district when The Garage became Club 5 and I got my fill of Euro Trash, after jumping around the district a bit I settled into Club Heaven and Hell. I know that it is rare for you to get out and actually meet people but try this find someone that goes to Clubs, hell when in doubt feel free to turn Andrew or even Affie and ask them how hard it is for a Bouncer and or Bartender to walk out with someone at the end of the night at a hot club. But lets move on to current events. While I understand that in your twisted little brain, if someone isn’t with good ol Uncie Herps they are sitting alone at home just counting the minutes until they can sit in his glory. But the truth of the matter is I actually do go out and have a life, I go to bars with people some from work and some whom I have meet while at bars. The kicker is that Bars have people and you can actually talk to these people, then you can get their number…

Ok I gave you a minute so your brain can register that little piece of reality. After you get their number you go on these things called Dates. By date I mean going to a real place and usually getting a real dinner. Believe it or not you can get a meal that is neither fast food or purchased at Walgreen’s or CVS. Slow down I know what your thinking. You are thinking but he is “fat” indeed he is but even ugly people can go on dates and in some extreme cases they can even get laid. Your relationships have been a testament to that.

Now on to the numbered arguments.

1. I've been invited places, not by you, which doesn't bother me at all.

I repeat just showing up doesn’t equal an actual invitation. Neither does calling when you are already at the door and need to be let in at 2 o’clock in the morning. Again Inviting yourself doesn’t mean you where invited.

2. My argument was uncleherpie's description of sex was ONLY the word moist. Again I'm not going to proclaim you a certified doctor of sex without some proof.

I never claimed to be a doctor but I sure as hell know my way around the exam table. Believe me or not that’s up to you, but I will allow our fair readers to make up their own minds.

3. I don't know why your commenting if you'd rather have sex with a sheep than an actual female, I guess girls that play video games just don't do it for ya.

Never said an actual female I said better then your females. Hell look at me, if I am going to bust on somebody about looks, that alone speaks volumes.

4. He was, because my boss was fired and the promoted him. In which time he let the store get abused by his comanagement. Also that doens't make him my boss now, and I'm not one of his hundred online "bitches" that thinks he's jesus because hes just soooo freakin cool.

Yet an online bitch none the less. But you are right that does not make him your boss now. The fact that you follow him around like a puppy makes you his bitch now.

5. Relationships sometimes end in sadness, if you had one you may know this.

Indeed sometimes you have your hear broken and sometimes you break a heart. I have been on the broken side but I hear the breaking side is far better but regardless. Sometimes they end when you wake up hung over and have to perform the unenviable task known as the walk of shame. But sometimes they end on the Jerry Springer show. Tell Jerry I said Hi.

6. I joke around online alot and I feel bad for the people who take it seriously. In real life I think people find me alot more bearable than him.

We all do, if I actually cared I wouldn’t have taken it to this forum but as this proves to be an enjoyable forum for general ranting and occasionally a chance to have a bit of witty repartee. The fact you use bearable and not enjoyable or pleasant says a lot. But why leave it at a lot when you can go for more, and taking one look at me and you will know right away that I am all about more. But no if people found you more bearable you would have more friends then he does and that is clearly not the case.

7. It's only when someone sitting next to you smells that you notice. If you don't notice smelly people your probably one of them.

Since I brought it up clearly I noticed. My usual odor tends to be a mix of Cologne and Cigarettes. However multiple times a week a member of the fairer sex mentions that I smell nice so I must be doing something at least half right.

8. Halo is a good game and my "argument" clearly joking. Enough said.

Never said Halo wasn’t a good game simply said using it as the basis as a point in an argument is retarded.

9. It's true I am not a big sports fan, but I try to enjoy the things my friends like to be a good friend. Rather than take up the whole couch and when I see something I don't like repeat "change the channel damnit!" over and over again.

No what you do is either make stupid little annoying comments in the hopes of annoying them into changing the channel. Or when that method does not work you start working another form of media when available, reference Internet Cartoons, which while entertaining aren’t really appropriate when people are watching a game.

10.Most of my friends would follow me to free blowjob night. Also when I said "best" I didn't mean his obvious choice of whos the greater ally, only who he spends most of his time with. I'll try to be more clear in the future.

To be accurate your argument needs to be phrased like this “Only who spend the most time with him.” Provided you are including yourself into the equation.

11. I have about two suits only for when I need them, why I would wear a suit to Uncleherpies 4 room apartment I'm unsure. Let me take a check of all the clothes I "don't" have. I have about 18 pairs of khakis, 3 jeans, 4 perfect circle shirts, well over 15 button ups, 5 polo shirts. Also keep in mind I buy my clothes and don't have a huge collection of clothes I got for free. My choice of what I wear depends on where I am going, if I go over uncleherpies... well then I wear anything thats laying around.

The argument was about your commenting on another person’s wardrobe a point that still stands.

12.That comment was meant to be sarcastic if you didn't understand it. He is intelligent, has pretty good grammar and not a whole lot of college under his belt. Even so, this description could be used to descripe anyone whos not mentally retarded. Just because he likes to correct every little error a person makes while typing doesn't make him a genious.

This entire argument has been sarcastic for it to be anything else one would need to take it seriously, and to take anything written on a Blog seriously is sad. Instead it is an opportunity to rip without bounds, which is rather enjoyable as it provides a healthy way for one to vent without the threat of having an argument be settled with fisticuffs. But to put a point to your last argument it may not make him a genious but that is mainly because I am not sure what a “genious” is now if you meant Genius well that’s a whole other argument.

13. No response entered, to which I could reply.

14. Keep in mind andrewsky started this and I just saw it and thought it was too well put together and figured uncleherpie made it.

The fact that the poster referenced him by his name was kind of a give away. As he tends not to speak in the 3^rd person, let alone numerous other style give aways.

15. I actually played basketball for quite some time before getting sick of it. What sports have you played?

Football, Baseball, Rugby, Martial Arts, Track and Field, and Basketball street not youth league, I have also dabbled in both Tennis and Sailing mainly during. Although we could compare Varsity Letters if you would prefer I have 9 and was a multi year captain of the Track team. But you played Basketball so yeah.

16. Not sure where this one was headed, maybe just thrown in the middle to make it seem longer on the whole?

Where it was headed was obvious. Not only did it head there but it arrived and it was hilarious.

17. Again, "As was Napoleon". "You however"? My grammar maybe be bad but your sentence structure overall is terrible.

Is that the best you can do for a response? Come on that’s sad, “Poor me I can’t come up with an interesting come back so I will rip his sentence structure. Hoping nobody notices that I skipped what he was saying altogether. Thus making his point for him.”

Here is a friendly hint though try running your posts thru a spell/grammar checker before tossing stones at anything I have posted. “You however simply have a Napoleon complex, which is just sad in comparison.” Feel free to correct my sentence but make sure you site your sources. I have never claimed to be proficient with grammar but try fixing your own before moving on to mine.

I agree with that one completely, and think more people should admit that in real life they're not as fabulous as they claim to be... on the internet.

Don’t get me wrong I am fantastic, but I have more then my share of flaws to say otherwise is to be foolish, not taking ones own advise is far more foolish.

I will endeavor to end this topic and move the Blog back to its normal foolishness with this.

The point of the retort was not a slam it was a simple reminder that those in glass houses should not throw stones. So take your own advise and get off your own high horse. Instead of simply editing your post upon realizing that you had been wrong in whom you had ripped you left it there. By leaving the post there you left yourself open to being ripped in return. None of my comments in my previous post referenced me being better then you at anything, each one simply referenced how you where in place to comment or rip on Herp in regards to each of your points. But as you found the need to take some shots at me I am more then happy to fire back, internet ripping while retarded and as such should not be taken seriously can be an enjoyable outlet for mindless banter.

In Closing I will respond to “What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm pretty sure that comment was made at my expense.” I took several shots at you in the course of my post; feel free to caulk it up as friendly fire or my being an ass. Both are equally correct.

Oh yea

2005-06-29T12:52:00.000-05:00

As for my "anonymous" commenter all I have to say is.

You could at least own up to your own comments and tell someone how you feel about them truly instead of hiding behind the comment page. I may get flamed but at least I put my name to my words. Instead of secretly hating someone without confronting them about what bothers me about them and then leaving the forums and not saying a word to them. I may be rude online and in halo but you, commenter, are the rudest peson I know. The End

Sigh...sigh

2005-06-29T12:20:00.000-05:00

Unfortunatly I feel I should respond to Mr. Spears post... oh I mean COMMENT. While he is an expert at insulting people all around he doesn't seem to base his theories on fact... nor fiction. That said, I'll take the high road and go herpie's way and not make him look like a straight up jackass. In case you didn't read the COMMENT I'll paste it for you, he's in black and my remarkably friendly responce is in RED.

Let me start with this.
If your description of sex doesn't involve moist that alone speaks volumes as you are
a) Not turning on your woman.
b) Are with a guy.
c) Are with a guy that looks like a woman.
I don't think you sir have enough experience with sex to make a clear judgement on how anyone elses is, if any. Give us some reasons you know your way around the bedroom and maybe we'll reconsider.

With that said I will begin my itemized rant.
1. You have never been invited anywhere by anyone ever. Just showing up and not leaving until someone opens the door is not an invite.

I've been invited places, not by you which doesn't bother me at all.

2.While he will admit as such, he has managed to get a woman moist and from what you have already mentioned seems to be something that has escaped you up until this point.

My arguement was uncleherpie's description of sex was ONLY the word moist. Again I'm not going to proclaim you a certified doctor of sex without some proof.

3. Better then some freaky chick that spends her life on Neverwinter nights. Hell losing your virginity to an actual sheep would beat that.

I don't know why your commenting if you'd rather have sex with a sheep than an actual female, I guess girls that play video games just don't do it for ya.

4. Wasn't he your boss for several years???

He was, because my boss was fired and the promoted him. In which time he let the store get abused by his comanagement. Also that doens't make him my boss now, and I'm not one of his hundred online "bitches" that thinks he's jesus because hes just soooo freakin cool.

5. I was going to post something here about another relationship but as that is too sad to even mention I will skip it for now.

Relationships sometimes end in sadness, if you had one you may know this.

6. You say that as though he was abusive, and yet it is you who condones violence to
women? Besides she found it funny, its just one of those things.

I joke around online alot and I feel bad for the people who take it seriously. In real life I think people find me alot more bearable than him.

7. From a man that smells of moldy laundry that means less then nothing. How you could detect his odor over your own is a subject for science to research.; It's only when someone sitting next to you smells that you notice. If you don't notice smelly people your probably one of them.; 8. You referenced Halo in an argument. Enough said.; Halo is a good game and my "argument" clearly joking. Enough said.; 9. You know he is in the middle of watching 31 anime shows. He is also in the middle of watching the Red Sox season, and come fall will be following the Patriots. Your viewing habits are those of a 12-year-old pre-pubescent boy, not those of a grown ass man. So try buying a six pack and watching a game, and see if you can go 5 minutes without twitching and watching internet cartoons.; It's true I am not a big sports fan, but I try to enjoy the things my friends like to be a good friend. Rather than take up the whole couch and when I see something I don't like repeat "change the channel damnit!" over and over again.; 10. His best friends are all gainfully employed, 2/3 are highly educated, the other 1 is still smarter then you are. His best friends would let him crash it their house for as long as needed. His best friends would follow him to hell and back. You would be lucky to get your friend to follow you to free blowjob night.; Most of my friends would follow me to free blowjob night. Also when I said "best" I didn't mean his obvious choice of whos the greater ally, only who he spends most of his time with. I'll try to be more clear in the future.; 11.Times having seen UH in a suit >2. Times seeing Nick in anything but something I would have burned for having mold on it >0.; I have about two suits only for when I need them, why I would wear a suit to Uncleherpies 4 room apartment I'm unsure. Let me take a check of all the clothes I "don't" have. I have about 18 pairs of khakis, 3 jeans, 4 perfect circle shirts, well over 15 button ups, 5 polo shirts. Also keep in mind I buy my clothes and don't have a huge collection of clothes I got for free. My choice of what I wear depends on where I am going, if I go over uncleherpies... well then I wear anything thats laying around.; 12."His clear intelligence, good grammar, and college education make him a solid judge of character."
Last time I checked these where all on the checklist for the fairer sex. While pwning at Halo and working as a clerk at a video store and EB where not.

That comment was meant to be sarcastic if you didn't understand it. He is intelligent, has pretty good grammar and not a whole lot of college under his belt. Even so, this description could be used to descripe anyone whos not mentally retarded. Just because he likes to correct every little error a person makes while typing doesn't make him a genious.

13. Reference my opening comment.

14. That would be called compassion, which is a positive trait for these things we like to call human beings.

Keep in mind andrewsky started this and I just saw it and thought it was too well put together and figured uncleherpie made it.

15. It is better then being unpopular everywhere. Its ok we all know you where always the last kid picked for sports and everything other then MP videogames.

I actually played basketball for quite some time before getting sick of it. What sports have you played?

16. You drive Karissa. I think every Man I know would pick the car.

Not sure where this one was headed, maybe just thrown in the middle to make it seem longer on the whole?

17. As was Napoleon. You however simply have a Napoleon complex, which is just sad in comparison.

Again, "As was Napoleon". "You however"? My grammar maybe be bad but your sentence structure overall is terrible.

In reply to the subjects on andrewsky.
1. I will agree it may be somewhat out of his element. His element exists in real space, where he meets people and has friends not to mention women.
2. Beats a visit to a Dairy Farm any day of the goddamn week.

As I am sure this will twist somebody’s nipples when they read it I will go on to say a bit about myself.

To see me simply go here http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a292/BigDaddySpears/BigThinking.jpg
Or scroll down there are various pictures of me on this blog, while not flattering they are what they are. I am a big fat man. Yet it seems to work for me.
Status: Single and living at home.
Yes I am single, however I like to think this has more to do with my general like of time and interest in investing time in a girlfriend at the moment. I am still working on the career thing, which is taking a bit of time and has hit more then a few snags. However note I said career and not "job” some of us adults have moved beyond having a "job" and are working on full-blown careers. I also have a nice retirement fund started, great benefits, and a far larger bank account. As for living at home it is a matter of choice, as I make more then enough to move out, however living at home allows one to save up for and to buy a house of their own. The disadvantages and advantages are many but this is neither the time nor place for they’re mentioning.
As for my skills with the ladies or lack they’re of depending on whom you talk to. I am more then up for going out on the town on a "number run."

The morale of the story ladies and gentlemen is that before you go and rip somebody on their own Blog you better take a second and look at your own station in life. As making fun of your betters is a great way to get smacked back down into your place.

I agree with that one completely, and think more people should admit that in real life they're not as fabulous as they claim to be... on the internet.

Not to metion

2005-06-28T21:55:00.000-05:00

We've yet to come to one of our full blown arguements in double team. I'm sure if we give it time it'll come naturally.

On a Lighter Topic...

2005-06-28T16:25:00.000-05:00

It seems that inaddition to having the strep throat like symptoms, I have also come down with a case of Conjunctivitis or "pinkeye". Which basically tells me that I have a virus of some sort.
If I could jet get the results of my overpriced throat culture, I could maybe get some antibiotics to help me fight off this crap and get back to dominating bitches in Double Team.

I think Nick and I have lost 2 or 3 doubleteam matches total. The majority of the time, we wind up absolutely decimating our opponents. With scores like:

30-2
30-4
30-5
30-6

and so on... They don't even stand a chance. I think a good portion of the kills they do get are either betrayals or suicides on OUR part!!

I can friggin' wait for te new map pack...Terminal looks awesome. Backwash seems like it will be "eerie fun"...Even Elongation looks pretty sweet!

If only we could get rid of the fucking cheaters. Well, I'm off to hide the trail of soft oriental pubic hair that leads to my freezer.

Well then

2005-06-28T15:24:00.000-05:00

Some of that may be true, some may not. I don't know I didn't bother reading it.

Though the one thing you should be focusing on above all should've been that andrewsky did the original post and I didn't even notice it was him and not you and replied to you until I did some editing.

So maybe I'm all of whatever things you mentioned and your really the other stuff you talked about, but I only have time to read my posts. Not some french guys.

P.S. the yahoo still sucks

Ahh, please allow me to rebutt...hehehe

2005-06-28T01:19:00.000-05:00

I allowed you to post here, as it will undoubtedly add a little spice to the blog. For the record, you will NEVER be as cool as me...in sunglasses...in leg warmers...in a kilt...or even in the nude...

It is quite true about the oral sex...although I'm not so sure why NOT getting it from a man would be a detractory situation, and one that justifies getting ribbed. I guess all those "Nick n' Todd" jokes were not so unfounded afterall...

Well, it was you guys who bought me the following items:

A blow-up doll, a blow-up sheep, an anal pacifier, a she-male video, some gummy boobs, and some strange masturbatory lubricant...

So, really, who are the sickos?

If the state is willing to compensate me for losing my "Full-Time Management Position", who am I to complain?

Yes, my girlfriend did leave me on my birthday, while I was out of town, after months of not paying the rent, and getting herself a new car and computer with the money she was secretly saving up. Is that really a knock on me, or a knock on her character. Not to mention, as you referenced, I DID get to punch her in the face. While it may have been accidental, secretly, it's probably the coolest thing I've ever done...

I, myself do not smell...as I regularly shower with various shampoos and body washes. On the rare occasion that I do shave(now that I am not working), I even have this nifty smelling aftershave lotion. Now, if you are referring to the Brazillian Pizza that was on my breath during Blade: Trinity....then oh yeah...that was pretty pungent. It was however, another of the cool things I do.

In Halo, I think we can all agree that my defensive role is pretty necessary on the maps that require it. Let's see what happens when I go on offense on those maps...Not to mention, my video games skills have nothing to do with my character or any advice I may give on relationships...that, my friend, is where we differ...greatly.

Who's the more foolish? The fool, or the fool that follows him? I do watch quite a few Anime shows, but that is only because they are available to me, as I pay my own bills, in my own apartment, on my own tv..etc...you get the picture. You, on the other hand...have to watch these anime programs AT my house, and get irritated when I continue a series without you.

My BEST friends are as follows:

Andrew
Matt
John

These are the people I can rely on(for the most part), and in turn can rely on me. Frequency doesn't dictate the quality of friendship. Matt lives in V.A., and I would still rely on him over most other people.

Nick, I really don't think you want to get into a discussion about white trash...but let me know if you do, I'll be glad to share my thoughts on the matter. My wardrobe consists of mostly jeans and t-shirts. While they might be somewhat drab, they are CLEAN and UNWRINKLED. I also wear matching socks and a hat, and I have a decent array of footwear. You have probably 6 shirts, a pair of jeans, a few pairs of khakis, a pony-tail, and one pair of shoes. Do you even own a suit?

Intelligence, spelling, grammar...all of these are good qualities. I wonder if these are the reasons that YOU hang out with ME, and not the other way around?

I don't know if that would be my best description of sex, but it's pretty accurate...moist...warm and moist...

I'm not really sure where you were going with the whole "old people" thing...

It wasn't my popularity on adultswim.com that made me cool, it was the quality of my posts, my quick wit, and my ability to make people look utterly stupid. I have since taken these miraculous skills to the Bungie.net message boards on our forum, as everyone has noticed.

It's true... I did drive that car, but not when it was covered in that poorly spelled and grammatically incorrect graffiti. "Come on my face" "I gay am porn" What does that even mean...the people who wrote that must have been complete morons....oh...wait....that...that was you...I rest my case.

I do have a French heritage, along with Irish and German as well. I can deal with that. You are the one that looks like a "French Artist/Street Vendor"

My ability to entertain is a matter of opinion. Opinions I'd like to hear. So leave some comments on this and any other posts made around here. Positive or negative, I'm always in the mood for an argument.

Read it, dwell on it, and accept it as truth.

Uncle-to the mother f'ing-Herpie

p.s. The Film is called "...a series of unfortunate events"

Reasons UncleHerpie's Reason is as illegitimate as his children.

2005-06-28T00:02:00.000-05:00

1. HE invited me to his blog. So I must be cooler than him (especially in sunglasses)

2. He's NEVER gotten any type of oral sex, from man or woman.

3. He lost his virginity to a blow up sheep.

4. His idea of "making money" is unemployment.

5. His girlfriend spent several years with him only to decide he wasn't going anywhere, packed up her stuff not telling him, left him on his birthday... and then called him when she had car trouble that very same day. HA!

6. Despite all my numerous insults to women I've never punched one in the face, he has.

7. He smells like a large combination of the worst foods imaginable including monkey brains.

8. In halo he hides inside the base barely contributing anything but a "last line of defense"

9. He's currently in the middle of watching 31 anime shows. loser

10. His best friends are a pimp, me, that guy dreaming of the drunk cat and a geiger.

11. His essence of style can be considered straight up unshaven white trash.

12. His clear intelligence, good grammar, and college education make him a solid judge of character. (again, he hangs out with me)

13. His best description of sex is "moist".

14. He claims old people aren't people they're just "old" yet continues to hang out with them even after they prove they've lost all ability for rational thought.

15. He considers being popular on the adultswim forums a sign of "coolness"

16. He drove this

17. He's french

So I beg you to ask yourself, do you really want your entertainment to come from this?

I know I don't

... and the two reasons andrewsky is out of his element...
1. He needed help posting that picture of me.
2. His ideal date is the little girl from A Serious of Unfortunate Events.

sigh...

Eh

2005-06-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

Got bored, made a picture

Top 11 Reasons NOT to take Nick's advice...

2005-06-27T17:31:00.000-05:00

Nick wasn’t comfortable in social situations until the age of 18…for that matter, he couldn't even couldn’t function normally in society!

Nick, while holding 2 Jobs... makes less than Evan, who doesn't even have one...

Nick’s sense of style can be described as having an essence of Hobo-Chic with a pinch of Euro-trash...

Nick’s apparent choice of cologne is something that resembles the bottom of an old laundry pile…I’ll call it “Old Water Cologne” better known as Le STAGNATIO'N

While Nick can verbally abuse one of his “bitches”, it is painfully obvious that he can’t back up his threats physically, as his girlfriends tend to significantly outweigh him, and would probably kick his ass...

Nick’s ideas of fine dining include: FREE IHOP, WENDY’S, CHINESE FOOD AT 2 am, TACO BELL, and the divine cuisine of WALGREENS & CVS.

Nick’s impressive list of “ladies” that he has pimped includes: ASHLEY, “The Underage Neverwinter Nights Chick", Karrissa…….(insert obligatory cricket chirp) ...that's it.

Nick’s life experiences and basis for comparison have both tainted his supposed "expertise" and have given him severe delusions of grandeur.

In response to Karrissa’s Post about Nick’s “-BLAM-”, I have enclosed the following link to illustrate, through words of course, what she was referring to.Click Here

And finally, the Number 1 reason NOT to take Nick's dating advice...

What more needs to be said?

UncleHerpie got flow?

2005-06-26T10:45:00.000-05:00

Yo. I got mad skillz. I'm the new "First Lady of Ruff Ryders" beleedat.

Here's a link to my street cred.

Feel me flow

Last Shenanigan's dating tips Vol 2

2005-06-25T17:18:00.000-05:00

So we've all heard women want equal rights. Well I say take it a step further... if they want to work the same jobs as us and breathe the same air they gotta make some sacrifices.

- If your spouse hits you, use the ratio system. If she hit you as hard as she could, hit her as hard as you can.

- Remember the steps to a healthy relationship you can't always be humping, you'd seem like you don't care about anything but her ass. You can't always be beating the crap out of her, she'll think you don't like her body. Sometimes it's good to mix in some verbal abuse but mostly I try to follow the good old cycle of violence.

Lastly some people spend too much time in one relationship without enough of one type of abuse, whether it be physical, mental or even sexual. Divide up your time and don't stay with one person too long, that's how you get HIV and Gingivitis. This graph should clear up any confusion on the subject...

...Of The Week (mildly belated)

2005-06-25T14:53:00.000-05:00

1, 2 BUCKLE MY SHOE MOTHERFUCKER!

MOVIE(s): Indiana Jones Trilogy

ALBUM: Ra - Duality It's badass AND melodic!

WRESTLER: Matt Hardy, even though he isn't wrestling...

DISAPOINTMENT: Going to the doctor's without medical insurance just to have them tell you what you already know...fuckers.

SPORTS FIGURE: "Big Papi" David Ortiz

I have some Strep Throat symptoms accompanied by a cough and nasal congestion. I also had a headache yesterday, so I didn't feel up to updating the blog. And since there is a total of about 6 people who could possibly be hanging on every word I type...I didn't think it would matter that much.

I had to top off my fish tanks with cold water today, because it's 114 degrees outside and the ambient temperature is raising all the temperatures in my tanks, which is dangerous to the fish. I lost one of my badass mammajammas during the last heat wave. I was pissed about that, so I hope they make it through this time.

The Red Sox are back in first place where they rightfully belong. Hopefully the Oriols and the Yanks will continue to suck it up over the next few weeks, and solidify the Sox's standings in the AL.

In addition to The Getbackers, "Full Metal Panic?" and "Full Metal Panic? fumoffu" have been pretty sweet lately. Good balance of action and comedy, like most of the truly great anime series. Here is a list of the Anime I'm currently watching:

Full Metal Panic?
Full Metal Panic? FUMOFFU
Getbackers
Maburaho
Nadia: Secret of Blue Water
Narutaru
Pretear
Madlax
Mezzo
Armored Trooper Votoms
DNA²
Himiko-den: The Legend of Himiko
Patlabor TV series
Najicaa Blitz Tactics
Divergence Eve
E's Otherwise
Aquarian Age
Noir
Maze TV Series
Arjuna
Abenobashi
AzuManga Daioh
Magical Play
Black Jack
Gantz
Cromartie High School
Gall Force
Harlock Saga
Geobreeders 1&2
Cyber City Oedo
Shamanic Princess

Holy shit-skins! I didn't realize how long the list was until I started compiling it...that's friggin crazy!

ah screw it...I was gonna put some pics up, but I don't really want to, so go search them for yourself if you feel the need. I'm going back to the couch.

suckumm zee ballz!

...Of The Week (belated)

2005-06-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

Dating advice from Nick...what a sad tapestry we weave...

Back To Business!!!

I'm gonna kick it old school just for you!

MOVIE: Batman Begins

ACTIVITY: Rafting/Boating

PAINFUL EQUATION: Batting Cage + Loaner bat - Gloves = BLISTERS

TECHNOLOGY: Air Conditioning

ANIME: Armored Trooper Votoms

So, I decided to actually do something this week, and of course, I paid the price for it. Never, I repeat, NEVER...go to the batting cages without your own bat. The bats they have there are instant blister machines. They might be o.k. for a couple rounds IF you have batting gloves. I however, am a moron, and didn't bring any. So, I tore up my thumbs and had to bandage them all up. As a result of this (and my attemt to do other things) I didn't play Halo for about 3 of 4 nights. While that might seem inconsequential...it's actually quite a long time to NOT play Halo. Also, you may wanna be well prepared for the fist pitch out of one of those machines. Andrew decided to be "Capt. Cool-pubes" and attemt the fastball cage. And wouldn't ya know...kerrblam!!!... it somehow managed to blast him in the right leg at 90 mph. "What's greater than that?", you ask...well I'll tell you! The fact that I have it on video is what is greater than that. (It is saved on his computer, I'll link it eventually)

After a couple days of healing, I was once again back in the Halo mix. I even got to play with some of my "rival friends", if that makes any sense... Anyway, before Raw yesterday, I decided to "DO" something else. Andrew and I procured my old 3-person raft, that has served me faithfully for 15 years. We brought it to the gas station because they have an air compressor. Went through a shit-ton of quarters to inflate the damn thing, and then managed to puncture it whilst putting it in the back of his "rape van". 15 years of rafting fun down the drain in one fell swoop. Determined to make something of the day, Andrew decided to go to Walmart and purchase another raft or boat. We found the exact same make of raft, only this time it was the 4 person model!! Hazah! Back to the gas station...and 237 quarters later...we're off like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom...well, minus the airplane and the white-water rapids. But you had better believe I was singing the theme song!!!

It went a little something like this:

dun dun dun dunnnn
dun dun dunnnnnn
dun dun dun dunnnnnn
dun dun dun dun dunnn
dun dun dun dunnnnn
dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn
dun dun dunnndun
dun dunnndun
dun dunnndun
dun dunnnn
dun dun dun

dun dun dunnn
dun dun dun dun dunnn
dun dun dunnn
dun dun dun dun dunnn
dun dun dun dunulunn
dun dunulun dun dunulunnn
dun dun dun dunulunn
dun dunulun dun dunulunnn

dun dun dun dunnnn
dun dun dunnnnnn
dun dun dun dunnnnnn
dun dun dun dun dunnn
dun dun dun dunnnnn
dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn
dun dun dunnndun
dun dunnndun
dun dunnndun
dun dunnnn
dun dun dun

Remarkable, I know...

On other topics...that was a ballsy move on the WWE's part to play Matt Hardy's music during the ridiculous Edge/Lita Wedding. Maybe it was a test to see how big the reaction would be. That way they could gauge whether or not to bring back Matt Hardy. They never should have fired him in the first place. A simple move to Smackdown would have surely sufficed.

Blah Blah Blah, crap and stuff...

-UncleHerpie-

Last Shenanigan's dating tips Vol. 1

2005-06-20T18:44:00.000-05:00

As obnoxious as I may be, I've noticed I have some decent skills with the ladies(bitches). So instead of hogging all the fun I'm going to share my wisdom from time to time. Starting now...

1. Don't tell your potential girlfriend she's special... she's not, and if she says your special shes a golddigger.

2. If your "girlfriend" doesn't perform oral sex on you from time to time anything you do with other women cannot be considered cheating. Meditate on this and use it to your advantage.

3. If a woman ever accuses you of not being emotional enough, remind her that you are in fact a man... a straight man and that you being emotional at all should surprise her dreamy ass.

4. If a woman wants you to have anal sex with her and you do chances are your a little homosexual and she is a little "man".

5. To keep the controvery on dating women of different ages I'll explain whats right and wrong to keep you out of the statutory section. If your over 20 avoid anyone more than 3 years younger than you no matter how liberal she says her parents are. If your over 25 avoid anyone more than 5 years younger than you. If you ever find yourself attracted to a female who is more than 8 years younger than you, your a sicko.

I'm done for now I'll take a rest and come back with some more tips later but to give you one last one. If your dumb enough to date a single mom chances are she'll be even easier to push around and more vulnerable. Remember to use this to your advantage.

ECW One Night Stand

2005-06-15T21:27:00.000-05:00

Coming off the heels of what will more than likely be the 2nd best PPV of the year, I wanna share my thoughts on the event and the whole wrestling scene in general.

It is obvious to me, that enough people purchased and enjoyed the ECW PPV, myself included. I was apprehensive about the WWE inserting it's own guys into the mix, much less the jabronis that they chose to undertake the "invasion". Kurt Angle, sure. JBL, why not? Edge..haha, at least it's understandable. Regal, makes sense...But then...there were these goofs. Maven? Snitsky? Orlando Jordan? The Basham Brothers?! Who the hell thought those were good ideas?! I mean christ, Maven is in a pseudo tagteam with Simon Dean...aka Nova! Nova was a big part of ECW and even came out to beat on maven with the rest of the B.w.O. It was just unnecessary. Anyway, as it turns out, it wasn't all that bad. They waited till the end of the show to really turn the focus on the whole invasion thing. At least ECW got to have the last word at their own PPV. From what I hear, aside from the spat here and there it was a calm and professional atmosphere. I was however, not all that surprised to hear about JBL causing trouble...it seems there is always trouble when he is around.*cough*Go back to being Bradshaw*cough*

My only real complaint is the lack of Tazz in a prominant role on the show. We got to see all of 30 seconds of Tazz..or should I say..TAZ. I was really anticipating him whoping some ass all over the place...especially Kurt Angle's. Man, I would love to see another feud between the two of them. It would be suplexfest 2005. But, alas, Kurt Angle is now on Raw, as Smackdown continues to flounder with it's lack of starpower. Moving to Fridays next season isn't going to make it any better, as it will be constantly pre-empted by Friday Night Baseball. Anyway, back to ECW, here are some photos from the WWE website.

As you can see, it was quite the event. All from the mind of one man...

Paul Heyman

Never can tell

2005-06-14T02:28:00.000-05:00

Here's my take on the unfolding drama....

Something to think about ain't it

...Of The Week

2005-06-10T16:44:00.000-05:00

Friday Friday Friday!

Technology: Digital Camera
Food: Honey & Oat Granola Bars smeared with Peanut Butter
Wrestler: Tazz
Anime: Getbackers
Beverage: Main Street soda line (root beer, cream soda, birch beer!)
Comic Character: Ghost Rider (in all his incarnations)

Now we can get down to business...

I'm really hoping that the WWE doesn't muck up what will potentially be one of the better PPV's this year. Let the ECW guys do their thing. Hopefully Tazz will suplex...erm...excuse me...TAZZPLEX everyone in sight. He's been dormant for far too long. It's a shame that there is some bad blodd between different organizations and individuals. I'd like to see Raven, Terry Funk, Francine, and Shane Douglas there...but alas..it was not to be.

I've been watching quite a bit of Anime onDemand. There are 2 different anime programs that I can choose from: Anime Network and Anime Selects. Both have a pretty good lineup of shows to watch at my disposal. Currently my favorite is Getbackers...it just seems that it is one of those shows that is undeniably good. The Art of the Intercepting Fist? The Lightning Emperor? How can you argue with that?!

Here are the main characters:

"Jagon Master" Ban Midou

"Lightning Emperor" Ginji Amano

"Dr. Jeckyl" Kurudo Akebane

"Beast Master" Shido Huyuki

"Thread Master" Kazuki Fucho-in

"Lady Poison" Himiko Kudo

I like the new single by Dark New Day, I'm curious as to how the album will sound through and though. Also, the new Seether album is pretty sweet. Check out Seether.com for more info.

Other than that, you are on your own. That is all the information you're getting today. Bitches.

-UncleHerpie-

Sometimes you just have to...

2005-06-09T21:59:00.000-05:00

TAKE A PICTURE!

Every once in awhile, a picture opportunity comes along that you just can't refuse. An opportunity like say, when your "big" friend falls asleep while watching crappy Thurs. Night Wrestling (Smackdown sucks). There is just something comical about a big dude falling asleep...I don't know what it is, but it's just plain funny. See for yourself...

hahaha...oh man

man, these are classic...

I'll have more in the upcoming days...

Things to Know...

2005-06-08T02:59:00.000-05:00

The day should start at 10:00am, no earlier.

Bad sex is better than no sex at all.

Paint tastes like shit.

If there's dew on the mountain, drink it.

If you made it this far...I've wasted both your time for making you read this, and mine for writing it to begin with.

Learn it, love it, and I'll see you for breakfast tomorrow! *points to the Dew*

...Of The Week

2005-06-03T15:26:00.000-05:00

It's Friday once again, so let's get right to it:

MOVIE: Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith
PRO-WRESTLER: John Cena
FOOD: Grilled Cheeseburgers
BEVERAGE: Asia Plum Green Tea w/Ginseng
SOCKS: Hanes Grey
LIZARD: Texas Collared Lizard (this dude eats chicken nuggets, alfredo pasta, and french fries!)

That's all I have for this week. On to more important matters...

Does anyone, ANYONE...watch professional darts on TV? No? I didn't think so...Why then does Fox Sports Net decide to air Professional Darts instead of leasing out a couple weeks of programming to TNA Wrestling. I know it's no WWE, and they probably never will be, but it was at least an excuse to watch another hour of wrestling a week, and I could see some of the stars that aren't on WWE programming.

A wrestler died in the ring a short while ago, here in MA. I believe it was 4 days ago as of this writing. He was only 22 years old. This is the second time to my knowledge that I have heard about a pro-wrestling death during a match that was not brought on by health problems. The fact that he was 2 1/2 years younger than me...is what is most disturbing. Best wishes go out to his family.

I'll have another addition to the artwork album on the picture page soon. It was the first time I experimented with color. It's of Dr. Doom from Secret Wars #10. One of my favotite covers of all time.

Alright, I'm off to deposit my whopping Unemployment Check, hopefully pay the rent and still have some money left over to eat.

UncleHerpie

p.s. remind me to buy toilet paper...

Nude Calendar In The Works

2005-05-29T03:06:00.000-05:00

For those of you who might be wondering...

The calendar that you may have seen below was just a mock trial and potential back cover for an actual Nude Calendar I am making. Why you ask? Well, I have a Halo 2 Clan...our name is NudeUnderArmor...you get the picture. So, it's most likely going to be a sausage-fest, but I'm trying to coax some girls into giving me nude pictures of themselves so that I can NOT look at them in a sexual way...ONLY for artistic/comedic purposes.........WHAT?!.....I swear!!!

Don't believe me? You're smarter than you look...Could be worse though...see for yourself!

Gotta love Photoshop!!

...Of The Week

2005-05-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Friday. I figure that every Friday(if I get around to it), I'll update this mammajamma with useless statements and suggestions of what YOU should do to be more like ME. Better yet, how about I list the things that intrigued me throughout the week. I suggest that you make it a point to be intrigued by these things as well.

Movie Of The Week:
Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith

Darth Vader...Darth Vader

Video Game Of The Week:
Halo 2

Will it ever NOT be Halo 2?

Book Of The Week:
Four Inches

Who would have thought that Elton John of all people would put out a book filled with Female Nude Celebrities...

Reptile Of The Week:
Blue Tongued Skink

I have one, and so should you.

Fish Of The Week:
Cyphotilapia Frontosa

Trust me, it's badass.

Comic Book Hero/Villain Of The Week:
Dr. Doom

NOT the movie version...the Comic Book version (I'll have artwork done in a couple days)

Invention Of The Week:
The George Forman Grill

Man, this thing's great. I made friggin BBQ Bacon Burgers the other night, they were amazing!!!

That's all for this week. The categories will also change/rotate, so don't expect to see the same things every week...Bitches.

Wrestling Obituaries

2005-05-26T04:44:00.000-05:00

I went looking for information on wrestler or wrestling related deaths and found this disturbing information. Just look at the circumstances of these deaths and the ages at which they happened. You may not know some of them, but they were left in to show trends in their respective causes of death. This is absolutely crazy. Look at the frequency of deaths after the year 2000, it's just not normal.

Wrestling Obituaries

It's not the dangers IN the ring that seem to be an issue, aside from Owen Hart's tragic fall. He was just about to break out too, and be a true superstar...He ALWAYS had the ability. Coming from the legendary Hart family tends to have that effect on a wrestler. I read an interview with Bret Hart about the recent trend of wrestler deaths, and he pointed out that a good portion of those wrestlers were from his heyday...and we almost ALL close personal friends of his. I just hope this list will grow much much slower from now on. Almost all of these guys were far too young to die.

A special "get well" to Droz as well, that dude is a real trooper, so to speak...

The Picture Page

2005-05-21T19:24:00.000-05:00

You can check out this page while you're waiting for this site to be up and running...

Welcome to the Herpetorium!!

2005-05-21T19:12:00.000-05:00

We'll be up and running soon...stay tuned!