Just like Ninjas...

You know what's great about going away? That's right, forgetting to tell everyone that you are doing so. At any rate I am back now from my harrowing journey to Virginia.

We started packing up my father's belongings on Thurs. We decided to pack the tools into one truck. As such, we made a concerted effort to keep the heavier stuff at the bottom, and to evenly distribute the weight. All the while ignoring the posted regulations inside the cargo box. Things such as: Total Weight Capacity: 2,600 Lbs. and "It is unlawful to transport motor vehicles, people, animals, combustibles, corrosives, and pressurized containers."


Surely those must have been jokes right? So, we loaded up a motorcycle, some gas cans, propane tanks, motor oil, paint thinner, paint, and other "unlawful" things, and packed it to a capacity of what we thought may have been around 4,500 Lbs. While the motorcycle was in the other truck, you get my point. Anyway, feeling content with ourselves, we loaded siad motorcyle and all the furniture into the other truck. This on was significantly lighter than the other Tool Truck, but we were rapidly running out of space. I t was then that I decided to save the day and inform them thet they were going to need another truck or a tow behind to fit the remaining stuff. So we decided to "perpetrate" as the kiddies say nowadays, and get a U-haul tow-behind for our fleet of Penske Trucks. The tow-behind went on the tool truck, as the other truck had to tow my father's 1932 Ford HotRod and anything we could stuff in or around it. So here we are both exceeding the hauling capacity by some 1900 Lbs. AND we are towing an additional trailer behind it. Keeping in mind that my father is driving the safer of the two trucks. He gets the furniture/hotrod truck, while I get the goddamned "Death Mobile".

Let's flashback about 2 hours. I'm giving the dog a flea bath, because he found it necessary to become infested with sand fleas before the trip. So, I kill the majority of the fleas, but of course, some decide that I'd make a good meal instead. So, they obviously hide away in my pants or something, as I can already see and feel the bites. It is at this point that I think to myself, "Man, this is going to be great!"

And we're off! Leaving Rochester, MA after an extended period of time due to the buyer of my father's house having some last minute shenanigans to pull. Because my father didn't have to pay a brokerage fee on selling the house, she thought the $15,000 should rightfully go to her...Yeah, I don't understand it either. Apparently, this was the first her lawyer had even heard about it. So, after some other crazy-bitch things, they finally sign and close the deal. We end up leaving at about 3:15pm, a good 3 hours after our projected time. This particularly sucks, because we wanted to be in CT by the time rush hour came around, but now, this was not to be.

We are about 7 minutes away from the house when MY truck(of course) begins to violently sway from left to right...and when I say violent, I mean DEATHDEFYING! So, I immediately pull slowly to the right of the road and gently apply pressure to the brakes. Eventually the truck pulls to a complete stop. It was at this moment that we realize that we won't be able to travel at the projected "maximum warp" (65 mph). Yup, so 50-55 it is...all the way to VA. I shouldn't have to mention that we hit rush-hour traffic all the way through RI, which sucks even WITHOUT rush hour.

This trip, unlike most southward trips, was NOT driven down Rt. 95, we took the long way. From MA through RI, CT, NY(state), PA, MD, WV, and VA. So, I'll break it down by state for you.

MA: 1st teetering

RI: Rush hour and traffic jams due to accidents

CT: Long and boring drive, as we were going west not totally south. We stopped for dinner at Denny's on the CT/NY border, and I must say, it smelled like sewage. I think there was at least one more teetering

NY: Just as boring as CT, but at least I had some good radio stations(no cd player) I believe we drove through the Karissaville part of NY, in the Huson Valley area. Had 1 teetering going up a hiil and around a bend...that was fun.

PA: How to describe it...wait, I'll get to that. First we decide to get a motel for the night, but many of them have no vacancy. We find a sign for an inn on the side of the road, and decide to try it...little did we know it was a mile and a half up a stupid narrow windy road with no street lights. We finally get there and discover that it is more of a bed n' breakfast type of thing with farmanimals and the like. My father goes to see what their rates are, but comes back and we decide to find a real motel instead. So, back down the stupid road, an lo and behold, my trailer lights stop working. "Well, I hope we don't get pulled over." Back on the highway for another hour or so, before we can find a motel. Luckily for us, this particular motel DID allow pets. So, we sleep through till the next morning, get a quick breakfast and off we go. And go....and go... PA sucks. You wanna know what pennsylvania looks like? Here, take a piece of paper and draw a road off into the distance, you can make it wind if you want, but just make sure you make it go off into the distance...now, put notheing but corn on either side of the road as far as the eye can see. O.k., now in the background, I want you to put the Appalachin mountains. Good. After hours and hours of driving, it is now time to CLIMB said mountains...in an overweight box truck...that is towing an additional trailer. You can probably guess the RPMs that I was running at going both up and down peaks and valleys. It was insane. But this is ME we're talking about folks...you know it 's about to get a shit-ton worse. The highway quickly goes down to 2 lanes...and I see some upcoming road construction...BAM! one lane! And it's between Jersey Barriers on both sides...I can't pull off now...I'm trapped within 8 miles of jersey barriers on either side...then I see it...the road is all chewed up and uneven. NOw when I say uneven, I mean it's uneven at a diagonal slant. Meaning that one of my tires is going to hit it before the other...which is going to create a massive shift in my center of gravity...you can guess where this is going...So I hit it, and of course violenty sway back and forth between jersey barriers with nowhere to go...what's worse is the pavement continues to be imbalanced with more and more rolls and flats on both sides of the truck. Keep in mind that if I crash, I'm going to be blocking the ENTIRE highway going through PA. Whether through my skillful driving or even perhaps the road itself...I managed to slow my self to 30 something miles an hour. At this point noone can pass me, because it's only one lane, and there's nothing I can do about it. Not that the truck would go any faster that that without the momentum to carry it along. In one of the mountains I saw a sign that read Shamokin - Pottsville , and I laughed to myself...Luckily, this highway comes to an end, and we are on a much better highway, both in breadth and maintenence.

MD: We immediately cross the Mason-Dixon line, and I swear that I smell BBQ.

WV: What can I say about West Virginia...nothing.

VA: Finally we're in our destination state! I see massive, town-sized buildings for both Taget and Wal-Mart. With fleets and fleets of trucks...I'm guessing they were distribution centers. They had fleets and fleets of trucks...it was crazy. More historical stuff...The Potomac, Anteitam, New Market Battleground...among others. It was around this time that I noticed the exits were counting down from 320something...and that they coincided with the mile markers. Now we had to get off at exit 114, I can't tell you how discouraging that was. We drove through the Shenandoah Valley, which was nice...Add 1 or 2 more teeters in there somewhere, but at this point I didn't really even care about them, I just took them and continued driving...We get off at exit 114, which is rt. 8. Now, I haven't been to many states, but the route systems here are crazy. Their highways are like our back alleys. And here I am in a giant box truck with too much weight in it. After an indescribaly long and winding, dipping and peaking, banking and bumping road, we get to another one that is even longer...FUCK! 20 miles later and sweaty palms underneath white knuckles we finally get there...the end of the long journey! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Now we get to take everything OFF the trucks...We decide to hold off until the next day. We go and grab some delicious bbq dinner, and head off to another motel, as my father hasn't closed on the new house yet. I won't even bother describing the layout of Hillsville, VA...you can probably guees why it's called that...and yes...it probably also has to do with the "HILLBILLIES" as well...Needless to say, it is in the middle of fucking nowhere, high atop the blue ridge mountains. We get a knock at the door, and it's my father asking about breakfast. My friend Matt, who joined us by way of Richmond, VA..agreed to go, but I...morning person that I am, elected to remain in bed. When I do finally get up, I see that all of Hillsville is covered in thick fog...I think to myself...hmmm....this isn't fog, is it...I'm in a fucking cloud! Now it's time to unload the trrucks...this, surprisingly is MUCH easier than loading it...must be that whole gravity thing...We head in the house for a sec, for some drinks and come back out only to see that about 50 cows had silently made their way to the fence between my father's property and his neaghbors...they were all lined up at the fence, probably 30 strong, with some in ranks behind them...and they are just staring...not eating, not pooping...nothing...just staring...It was the creepiest moment I've had in a long time. They snuck up on us like Ninja Cows. If I only had my camera handy...it was crazy! So we get the unloading done by about 1:00 and go to get some lunch at a nice buffet place in the bustling metropolis that is Galax, VA. Matt and I decide to head on to Richmond before it gets too late. By now, the cloud has passed or the fog has cleared, and I can see Hillsville...it's nice...nice and hilly. I nice 4+ hour ride back to Matt's place, through mountains and valleys, and flatlands and prostitutes...We get to his house and decide to go grocery shopping after a nice cold shower. Yep a cold shower...because in an effort to blend in with the local community, I wore a wife-beater tanktop whilst unloading the trucks, and sucessfully burnt the impression of a wife-beater into my skin via the sun. By the time we got to Richmond, it was quite painful. So we get some groceries...me my normal stuff, Poptarts, jalepeno jack cheese, triscuts, tropicana twister, and some beef jerky. Matt gets some healthy/organic crap for he and his also healthy living girlfriend Lynn. We did have some Vegetable Tort made for us upon our return, and it was pretty damn good, I must say. The next day I read both "The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe", and "Prince Caspain" in anticipation of the up coming movies. That night we decided to go out to eat some mexican food. It was also pretty damn good, although I forgot to pay Matt back for taking care of the check with his card. I'm going to have to pay for his inevitable meal at Jalepeno's Taqeria in Walpole, MA. Make sure someone reminds me...Next day, I watch hours and hours of The Simpsons season 4 on dvd, and then we're off to the airport. I get there at around 4:40 with plenty of time to check my luggage, and some luggage that I agreed to take for Matt to lighten his load when he comes back up to MA in a week or so. My flight is scheduled to leave at 6:25 and arrive in Boston at 8:05.

Now, if you know me at all, you knew that this would never come to pass...I was reviewing the flight arrival and departure boards at around 6:00 just to make sure everything was going smoothly...and as I was watching the board, MY flight...no others...switches to "DELAYED" Of course, what else could happen...I almost felt like appologizing to everyone else on the flight...as it was most undoubtedly my fault. We get a message over the speakers that we will have an update at 7:30...7:30 rolls around and we get the update that there IS NO update, and that they will get back to us every half hour. Blah blah blah, 7 chapters later in my book that thankfully I brought, and 9:18 rolls around, and finally we get to board the plane. It's one of those little-ass jobbers that fly express to and from major cities. The whole flight lasted about an hour and 15 minutes, with a lot of sitting around as usual.

Andrew, Affie, and Andrew's father picked me up at the airport, and luckily Adrew's father had fast lane, and we didn't have to wait for the toll to get out of Logan. I got home, took a shit and a shower, checked my e-mail, discovered that my phone had been shut off, and went to Andrew's to watch Star Trek: First Contact. I fell asleep.




Well, that should just about do it. Make sure you read it all, because I took the time to type it!


assholes.