Memoirs of High School (pt.2)

Well peepsies...if you've felt the magic, and you've heard the roar...Check out THIS utterly ridiculous short story...What the hell was I thinking?!...

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An Ass to the Second Power…

Beyond the puny existence of mere mortal men, there reigns a donkey. Yet he is no ordinary donkey, he has a wisdom greater than that of a bowl of corn-flakes, and is surrounded by a mystical aura so powerful, that he is recognized as a cosmic being of unlimited power. His true name is unknown to all under him. He is known only as “OOOO!”. He was appointed High-overseer of the known universe, by the all-powerful MOO, guardian of eternity, all that exists, has existed, and ever will exist. OOOO! took his job very seriously. Sitting upon his throne atop a mountain of fetid asses, he surveys the known Universe with a watchful eye.

Every 4000 years, the unbearable need for power would plague his very essence. On this journey, he would need to acquire sustenance. There were only two things that would appease his craving: the remaining energy of dying stars to satisfy his lust for power, and the wonderful taste of cheese, the sole source of his actual diet.. The stellar energy would be absorbed through every pore in his body. The more energy he obtained, the more powerful he would become. However, there still remained the “Hunger”. After consuming mass quantities, and various flavors of the delicious and often porous substance known as cheese, he would once again sit atop his throne, in a satisfied sense of omnipotence. For a period of about 500 years after the journey, his all-powerful stomach would bulge and become gaseous. This period of time was the “Galactic Flatulation Period”.(and you thought solar flares were bad!) This, contrary to the majority of scientific theories, was the event that both created and destroyed galaxies and their respective Solar Systems across the span of known space.

As far as the events in the universe go, he would only interfere if he deemed it completely necessary. Most of the time, he would let things happen as they may, completely impartial to the hustle and bustle of lower beings. Most of the happenings in the universe were insignificant in the mind of the Great Donkey OOOO!.

Occasionally an intruder from another universe would challenge OOOO! Knowing his power to be far superior to that of his opponents, he would toy with them and make them think they were capable of overthrowing his rule. After he was thoroughly amused with his little game, he would turn around and give the “Cosmic Mule Kick” , sending his adversary into eternal nothingness of oblivion. During the periods of Galactic Flatulence, he would use to his advantage, the unstoppable power of the “Ass’ ass”. He would disperse the opponents atoms across the cosmos. Surly, an ass to the second power, cannot be stopped.

Although he was a cosmic being, he did have his weaknesses. Most of them, however, were unrevealed to anyone except Moo. One of these faults was the fact that he tended to overlook the insignificant things in the Universe(humans included). Knowing this, a young farmer named Samud Nave decided to take advantage of this particular flaw. Samud needed fertilizer for his farm. None of his crops were growing correctly. His wife, formerly known as Gillian Anderson, was becoming very angry because she and their 97 children were running out of food. They didn’t have meat or vegetables because the cattle were not getting proper nutrients, hence not adequately fertilizing the soil rich enough for the crops to grow. And what better fertilizer than cosmic POO. His plan was to get some of the highly potent and omnipotent poo of OOOO! If he was going to do it, it was the perfect time; during one of the “Galactic Flatulation” periods.

One thing still bothered Samud, How the @#$%& would he get to the Mountain of Fetid Asses? Knowing that long distance space travel hadn’t been invented yet, he began to think. He spent approximately 3 months thinking, all the while, his family becoming more and more hungry with every passing moment. Apparently all this thinking and waiting had driven all of them crazy, because when Samud finally came up with a solution, it came out somewhat like this: “I’ve done it! I know how to get his attention, I will destroy most of the known world and make him come to meeeeeeeeeeee! AH HA HA HA HA AH!!!!!!!” At that point his whole family started cheering “Dad is great, he give us the chocolate cake!” Now, to normal people, that statement would make absafrigginloutely no sense, but you must remember, they were dreadfully insane.

Samud went to the nearest Nuclear Missile Silo, and with his phenomenal intelligence, broke in, and secured control. He then hid in a safe bunker, and with his remote launch capability, fired 175 nukes at various World Powers. So as to go out in a blaze of glory, the other countries then fired their own nukes. When all was said and done, Samud emerged from his bunker with a smirk. Then he realized that all the life on the planet Earth was gone. Naturally the Great OOOO! came down to Earth to confront Samud. He asked only one word, WHY?! With great exasperation Samud related his amazing story feeling mighty proud of himself. When OOOO! explained that now he had no family to provide for, no farm, no people to trade crops with, no animals left on earth to fertilize anything, and with the sun blotted out by the impending nuclear winter..no hope of growing crops to begin with. Samud replied only with “D-OH......”

Samud grew hungry and was exposed to excessively high degrees of radiation. Needless to say, he died an agonizing and painful death. From under the crust of the seemingly lifeless planet, the ground began to stir, and billions upon billions of cockroaches emerged. Being the only species on Earth able to withstand the high levels of radiation, they then took over the world. Viva la cucaracha!