The following is one of many papers I wrote in High School. Most of which for a class called "Mythology and Modern Literature." Normally, you'd think this would be a really cool class. However, this class was "taught" my a woman known as Ms. Buckley aka "The Foot". The reason for this was because her right foot was enlarged with a tumor or rolls of fat, or god knows what...at any rate, it didn't fit correctly into her shoe, and spilled over the sides. I believe John refers to her as "shoe-loaf"...ewww... She is perhaps the stupidest person I have ever met...and yet she was responsible for teaching impressionable young adults. This is the lady that told me that "integral" was not the correct word to use in a sentance showing importance, but merely a word used in mathmatics in reference to integers. At any rate, this is a paper that I actually passed in, more than likely for a good grade. It went right over her head, which really...is just sad.
The Many Tales of Sir Gunther: Slayer of the evil C-Men
I woke up early this morning as I looked around, my world came crumblin’ down. What I saw I couldn’t believe. “Who are you? What might I be?”
“Wait a minute, who is this woman beside me?” I thought to myself… At that very moment I feared I was a man trapped in a woman’s body. No wait… a woman! Perhaps a lesbian! As I had previously been dreaming of the unequaled form of the nude female body. “NO! That can’t be right either”, I thought to myself. I must be a one-legged street mime, the very mime who has been terrorizing the city with his inept ability to make urban dwellers carpool with the wrong people, each of which going to different locations.
“Well, I am off to my daily duties.” I threw on my glistening night coat, put on the Gauntlets of Elasticity, which I often found to be too tight, and impenetrable mukluks are slid gently over my stockings. It was another day of slaying the evil minions of E. Jack and his loyal servants the “C-Men”. “Still no man has come to clash swords with me on this fine day. E. Jack, you’re late!! Come and face me, thou dirtiest of the C-Men.” A man silently walked by caressing a one eyed snake. I went to pet it, but it reared up and bared its enlarged head. At that moment, the man gave a bellowing yell, convulsing, as E. Jack sprung forth from the eye with many of his minions following so close they seemed to be as one, yet they came in spurts. Immediately without hesitance, I released the Enchanted Cloth of SMYR from my satchel. With that I wiped out many of E. Jack’s soldiers, but E. Jack had already fled. I knew that he would come more often and with greater forces of C-Men. 
I retired to my humble abode. Nestled myself in the padded berth above my basket factory, and as I dosed off, the thoughts of E. Jack and the evil he can bestow upon unprotected, innocent youth faded from my mind.
A psycho driver twisted in my head, silence broken, but there is nothing said. I got a nightmare from a fantasy. “Will the voices ever set me free? I can hear them, I can hear them, someone wake me when it is over. I can see them, I can see them, I can see them over and over again.” I saw it happening like deja-vu. They tried to tell me, but they couldn’t get through. In my head, I hear the voices scream. “I need someone to tell me what it means.............”
“What is this? A rhyme? Perhaps there is a method to my madness. Though I doubt it, I have been this way for many a day and many a night.” Then came a rumbling, no a ringing, possibly a summoning from the almighty lord. “Gunther, we need your help. There was a big party last night and the floors can prove it.” I took this as a plea and proceed to help my lord in distress.
I walk in with the same garb as the previous morn. Expecting to see E. Jack, I ready myself for battle. With E. Jack nowhere in sight, I removed from the castle, the decrepit husks of the mighty C-Men. It was as if they had dried up overnight…Stuck to whatever they spent their last earthly moments on. Yet at that moment, an elder, who often visits the castle, by name of Dr. Jonda P. Nizstroka produced a larger snake than ever was seen in my day. Bellowing and moaning came deep from within his lungs, and E. Jack came forth bearing greater numbers of his henchmen. Still on my guard, I deployed the Enchanted Cloth of SMYR, and with one swipe annihilated the C-Men. But where was E. Jack? A noise in the distance, “You can destroy my C-Men, but I, E. Jack, will live on to the end of existence.”
Tired, I trudged back to my shelter of solitude. Now all I can do is wait, for today is the day that The Loyal Knights of the Unwavering Cardigans to come take me away. All the while, thinking to myself, “There were no E. Jack-ulations today! I have done well.”
I'll have a couple more to show you, but first, I want you to soak that one in...
UncleHerpie
2 comments:
Ewwww......
The mind of a teenage boy.
Why do I get the feeling you haven't grown out of it?
Touche'
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